O'Connor Fam5

364 days...

2011-09-22T13:51:00.002-05:00

So, it has been 364 days since my Mom passed away. 364 days that I have not been able to talk to her. 364 days filled with things the kids have done that I can't tell her about. 364 days that I was unable to tell her that I love her and hear her say it back to me. 364 days since part of me died with her.

Part of me can't believe that a year has gone by...where did the time go?? I knew this year would be hard, but I never imagined how hard and I never imagined I would be going through it because my mom died. I always thought I would be one of those people that would have the encouraging words when their parent or loved one died, I never thought it would actually be me. I was told that every 1st holiday, 1st everything would be the hardest...but I don't think so...I think the rest of my life will be hard because she is not here. Seeing my kids grow up and not have her at their graduations from high school, college, weddings, births of their children...how do I do that?

I feel like the last week I have relived her last week. I have slept pretty much everyday till noon, nap during the afternoon and fall asleep after dinner. I have no motivation, no will to do anything, don't really want to talk to anyone, feel completely deflated. I feel like tonight when I go to bed I will be getting another phone call at 4:40 in the morning from my sister saying that she is gone, I want to jump on a plane and be back in Illinois, I want to see her face again (even if it is in her coffin-I know I'm weird), I want to touch her and tell her that I love her and will never forget anything she has taught me and will teach my kids everything I can about her. I feel like my heart is breaking in 2 as I write this because the one thing in the whole world that I want I can't have.

How do I get through tomorrow?? How do I celebrate her life when I am so depressed I don't want to celebrate mine. How do I stop thinking about her every minute of every day??

I started taking some meds for depression about 7 months ago...they have definitely helped, I don't find myself crying every minute of the day, but in the last few weeks there have been some HUGE cry fests, and I am so thankful that Jason has been there to hold me and get me through them. He doesn't know what to say to me, I don't think there is anything to say...he just holds me and that's all I really want. I have days when I want to stop taking my meds and see if I can just be ME, see if I can deal with this great big world myself...but deep down I know I can't, and I don't know if I ever will be. It was hard to say that I needed the meds, it was hard to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did because it has given me time with my kids that I was not giving them before I started taking them. It has made me get up in the morning and try to get through the day with a smile on my face.

I am happy, I am not as happy as I once was when my life was whole...but I am hanging in there. 364 days...where does the time go?? I miss you mom and I love you just as much today as I did every other day before you left this earth!!

Believe it or not....I AM still here!!

2011-08-16T00:16:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a long time since I have posted. I am still here, and the O'Connor's have had a good summer. We went to Illinois for 3 weeks, we had company come from Illinois to visit for 10 days, Bradley turned 16 this month, and the summer has come and gone!! Kids start school on Monday and even though we had a good summer, I am ready for them to go back. :)

We also have new tile in 2 of our bathrooms. Now we only have our bathroom and the kitchen to do...I will be glad when all of the old linoleum is out of the house. Not that I mind linoleum...it's just when they painted the house they did not care if they got paint all over the floor...and man did they get A LOT on the floors!!

Well, I am going to try and get better at this. Hope all is well with everyone!! Take care!!

Mother's Day

2011-05-06T10:35:00.002-05:00

I remember when all I could think of was becoming a Mom!! It took Jason and I so much longer than we had wanted, we wanted to start a family right after getting married, but it didn't happen. I had 4 miscarriages in about 3 years and was told that I would not be able to carry a child to term due to a genetic condition and PCOS.

We started the adoption process in 2000 (while we were doing this process we continued trying to get pregnant and lost 2 babies during this time). We found many children on line that were waiting for families, however the younger they were the harder they were for us to adopt. Jason did not want to adopt a child older than 3 or 4, so we were pretty limited in our options. We didn't give up though and we kept hoping for a child, whether it was an adopted child or our own biological. In June of 2002 we found out I was pregnant and about that same time we got a call from Catholic Charities that they had found a child (age 6...older than we had wanted) that was needing a home and she thought it would be a good match. Hmmm....what do we do?!

With our bad history with the whole pregnancy thing we decided to move forward with meeting this child up in Iowa and hope that the baby I was carrying would be viable. We met Bradley and it was love at first sight...I knew he was suppose to be our child. We made it through the first trimester, the furthest we had ever gotten, and hoped that the baby I was carrying was strong enough to make it through the rest of the pregnancy. Bradley moved down to live with us in July/August , I will admit the first year with him was one of the hardest- emotionally and physically for all of us. Bradley came with a lot of emotional baggage and some pretty sad stories of his past...but we made it through that first year. :)

Rebecca was born on January 7th and Bradley was adopted on May 28th of 2003. I had wanted his adoption to be finalized before Becca was born...however waiting on his parents to sign away their rights and the whole court process did not allow for this to happen. I became a MOM to 2 children in the span of 5 months...2 children 7 years apart. :) 2003 was a good year for me and my family!!!

Between 2003-2006 I had 3 more miscarriages and had pretty much given up on becoming pregnant again. In June of 2006 we found out I was pregnant. The Doctors wanted us to do the whole routine we did with Rebecca (shots, meds, etc)...but Jason and I decided if this baby was meant to be, it was meant to be and we chose to do nothing but pray. James was born on January 6th, 2007. My miracle child was born...and our family became complete!!

I longed to become a Mom so I could participate in Mother's Day. I cherished my own Mom and enjoyed watching her as a Mom and a Grandma...she LOVED both so much!! Her grandchildren were the most important thing in her life...sometimes more important than my sister and me. But that's OK...the more love the better!! I finally became a Mom and I knew what I was missing before. I could understand what Unconditional love meant, I could understand those feeling of giving up your life for your child if need be, I understood...finally!!

This year, my Mom is gone...and a part of me is gone also. I no longer feel complete, I feel like something is missing, I feel like a piece of my puzzle of life is gone and lost forever...will I ever feel complete again?? Will I always be this puzzle that is not complete? Will I ever look forward to Mother's Day again?? Will I always cry myself to sleep 2 or 3 nights a month because I miss her? I know that grief is hard, I know that no one can tell me when it will get easier, I know it is different for every person, I know all of this. I also know that my relationship with my Mom is so different than anyone else's relationship with her. We had something that my sister and her didn't have, we had something that her and my Step-dad didn't have. With my Dad's death before I was born...it was just her and I for the first 8 years of my life...just her and I...she was THE most amazing person, dealing with everything she dealt with at 21 years old. She is my Hero...my Mom...and now...My ANGEL. I miss you Mom...Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Spring in Texas

2011-05-02T16:09:00.003-05:00

Easter has come and gone...and it was a very difficult day. I won't lie and I won't say "the first is the hardest"...they are all going to be hard, and they may be hard till the 5th or 6th or 15th time. Please don't try to tell me that I will get over it, and once I get through each of the holidays once life will be OK. Sorry...I don't believe you!!

Did I have a good Easter? Absolutely...my kids and my husband made it that way. But, it was different. It was our first holiday in Texas, by ourselves...and without Mom. My mom LOVED holidays, it didn't matter which one, she loved them all. She loved giving the kids presents and love...and they grew used to that...they were quite spoiled with her, and I LOVED it that way!! We did the Easter Bunny thing, had a yummy breakfast, went to the zoo, flew kites, came home and made dinner...which was steaks on the grill!! YUM!!!!

Spring has been so different here than in Illinois. My favorite seasons are Spring and Fall...and here in Illinois we don't really have those seasons. We went from cold to HOT...it was in the 90's for the last 3 weeks...it was downright HOT. Yesterday the temp dropped and and it hasn't been above 60 degrees all day today!! The kids are ready for school to be over, they have about 4 weeks left. This year has really flown by...I don't know where it went. The 2 younger kids are playing ball. Becca is playing softball- this is her first year of softball, in the past she has played peanut league. I am coaching her team...and actually I am really enjoying it!! James is playing T-ball- and man is this the funniest thing ever. He is doing well, but he gets bored in the field, in the dugout, everywhere. Poor kid is the one in the outfield spinning around because he has nothing better to do. :) I never thought that would be MY kid.

Not a whole lot more going on. We are heading back to Illinois June 14th and the kids and I will stay through the 4th of July!! I am so excited to be around family for that long!! YAY!!!

Weekend so far...

2011-04-17T09:30:00.002-05:00

We have had a pretty good weekend so far!! Friday night Becca had a game that we lost 12-0...which sucks...but the girls played good. I struck out every single girl...not by throwing strikes, by throwing balls that they had NO chance of hitting. Talk about feeling like the WORST Coach in the world!! UGH!! After the game we dropped Becca off for a sleepover (her 2nd of the weekend-kids didn't have school on Friday).

Saturday we got up and went to James T-ball game, but we only stayed for 1/2 of the game because he wasn't feeling good. He first told me his leg hurt...so I pushed him to go back out to the field, then when I looked up at him he was standing there crying...so I went out and picked him up and he said he hurt everywhere. He was not running a fever at this time...so I just thought he was trying to get out of playing. When we got home I tucked him in my bed and he fell right to sleep and slept for 2 hours. When he woke up he was running a fever...so it must have been some little bug or something. He pretty much rested by watching movies all day...fever started again before bed, so a little bit more medicine and he slept through the night. Woke up this morning feeling MUCH better!! We also painted the garage door!! Our front door has been painted for about 3 weeks and I really wanted the garage door to be painted the same color, so now it is!!!! Jason is going to put 1 more coat on it today, but it looks really good. Jason also put up a clothesline for me in the backyard!! I am SO excited about this!!!!! I LOVE hanging clothes outside to dry, and now I can!!! Jason and a friend also went and got rock and dirt for the flower garden out front, so now that is ready for some flowers/plants...so we have something to do today!! :) Rebecca had her 3rd sleep-over of the weekend.

Today's plan is to go to the garden store to get some flowers/plants, Becca has a game at 4:30, need to run to the grocery store...we are out of EVERYTHING!! We will see how the day progresses!! Have a good day and a good week!!!

My baby and T-ball

2011-04-09T13:42:00.002-05:00

My baby had his first T-ball game today...and yes he would be YELLING at me if he could read since he "is not a baby anymore!" :) I was so proud of him. He was a bit timid in the beginning, but came out of his shell and did really well by the end. He even ran up and got the ball before a bigger kid got it!! Way to go!!

I sit and look at him and wonder "how can I keep him just like this?" I'm not ready for him to grow up and not need me as much anymore. He is still my baby, and always will be. He did inform me that I will be the only girl he ever kisses...how long do you think that will last?? And he did tell me that he wishes he was a girl because he doesn't want to be a daddy that has to go to work, he wants to be a stay at home Mommy!! :) Maybe I am doing something right?!!!

Visitors are gone...back to normal

2011-04-07T12:09:00.002-05:00

Visitors are GREAT!!! But man, it's sad when they leave!! Becky Jane and Alyssa came last Thursday and left yesterday...it was a great visit. For those of you who don't know who they are...Becky Jane is my Mom's best friend (for 50+years) and Alyssa is her daughter. It was a lot of fun showing them around San Antonio and showing them our "life" here...how it is non-stop all the time. :) We did a lot...I'm sure they need to rest after their vacation, we had them on the go a lot!

But...when they leave...it's sad!! Yesterday I did pretty good, and I think having a Doctors appt right after they left and softball practice last night helped a lot. Today all the kids went to school and Jason went to work...so the house was QUIET!! I really enjoy quiet, however, today it seems too quiet.

My Doctor put me on a higher dose of Wellbutrin, so we will see if that helps. She wants me to feel "good" and "motivated". I felt "pretty good", but not "motivated" at all...so she increased the meds. She also put me on a sleep pill to help with sleep. I can get tired about 9pm, however if I don't go to bed (somedays we don't even have the kids in bed yet) and stay up later I get my 2nd wind and can't seem to fall asleep till 2-3am and then I am up at 7am. So...4-5 hours of sleep are not good!! So I am going to take them for a week and then hopefully my sleep schedule will reset and I can just take them as needed. We shall see. Last night I slept for a GOOD 7 hours...that was nice, and I haven't been tired so far today.

I always wanted my kids to be "involved"...but man, it would just be nice to be able to stay home for longer than 12 hours at a time. :) Oh well...I guess this is what it is to be parents to active kids. :)

I'm still here!!

2011-03-26T00:43:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a long time since I've posted...I'm sorry!!! Not a whole lot has been going on here...at least it doesn't feel like it. :) Let's see...I will try to update!!

Me- I am now taking Wellbutrin to help with the depression. I think it is helping, but at times I still get pretty upset and cry a lot. :( I also am SO sleepy all the time...I don't know if that is part of the side effects or what...but there are days that I feel like I could sleep all day. My New Year's resolution is going well...I am sending notes/cards to important women in my life every day for the rest of the year. I am really enjoying this and have received some really nice letters from some really WONDERFUL women!!! I am hoping I make them smile...that is my goal. :) I still miss my Mom, however we talk about her usually daily and I am able to do it without crying each time. My mom is my best friend...granted I can't talk to her daily like I used to, but I still talk to her in heaven every day. My biggest fear is that my kids will forget who she was and not remember how much she loved them. How can I make sure that they will remember her forever??

Jason- he is doing well. Work is going well. He is leaving on Monday to head back to Champaign for a couple of days...and oh how I wish I was going with him!!! He is going to stay with my step-dad and Tuesday night he is going to go out with him to watch my sister and brother in law bowl. And man...do I wish I was going to be there. I miss my sister a lot!!!

Bradley- still having trouble with school. Is failing 3 classes right now...however in 2 weeks he is going to start going to a Psychiatrist to get started on some medication to help with some issues. I hope it will help...he is struggling a lot.

Rebecca- started softball this week...and I got roped in to be her coach...gotta love that!! :) School is going great for her. She is such a smart little girl...she get so proud of herself when she does well. She is out playing pretty much everyday with the little girl 2 doors down...they have a great time together, which is really good.

James- started t-ball this week...and he is also looking forward to playing. He is doing well also. He loves Zoo School and I think he will be devastated when it ends for the year. We are going to sign him up for it again next year...which I have gone back and forth on if he needs more than just 2 days a week...we shall see. Kindergarten will be here before I know it. My baby can't be growing up!!!

Texas is OK. I still don't consider it "HOME". I know we made the right decision for our family...but just not sure it was the right decision for ME. Does that make sense?? I know in my heart that I could not be happy in Champaign without my Mom...but I miss my family so much it hurts. I really want to raise my family around family...and unfortunately now we are not. It kind of sucks!!!

My Mom's best friend and her daughter are coming next week for 6 days...I am VERY excited about that!! It is going to be so nice to have someone here. Then in May my Uncle and Aunt are coming to stay with us for about 3-4 days and then head to Waco for Eric's graduation. Then Jason and the kids are going to Vegas for his brothers wedding while James and I stay home. His parents and sister are coming for Becca's first communion on the 21st right after the wedding...it is sure to be a fun time!!! Then we are all heading back to Champaign right around June 12th for Eric's wedding...and the kids and I will stay probably till the 4th of July. Busy, busy times around here!! I will try to get better about this blogging thing. :)

...another day!!

2011-02-08T16:40:00.002-06:00

So, today is Tuesday, and it feels like it should be Friday. I am lucky that I'm not working right now, however there are a lot of times during the work week that I miss it!! I miss being around adults...don't get me wrong I absolutely love that I am home 3 days a week with James and I am home everyday when my kids get home from school. I don't know how we would function if I was working also right now.

But...there are days when I miss my girlfriends, especially my best friend...my Mom!! I miss talking about "girl" things...you know...the things that you don't talk to "men" about. I miss those talks, those long intense talks, and the way that I felt when I was done talking. My mom was a great listener, she always had a positive look on life and when things were hard for me, my Mom would help me get through it. My Mom was the BEST!!!

There is a hole in my heart that just at times grows larger, and at time it feels like it's closing up a bit. Today it is WIDE open and my heart hurts. :(

Blessed

2011-01-29T14:19:00.001-06:00

Right now I am sitting on my back porch watching my husband and oldest son work in the backyard, my daughter and youngest son play on the playscape and sand box. I am totally relaxed. Do I have lots to do in the house...absolutely!! Did I have plans for today...absolutely!! Did I enjoy sleeping in...pretty much!! Am I sad that my plans didn't happen...a little bit!! But right now, do I feel blessed...ABSOLUTELY!!!

Hints

2011-01-25T23:32:00.002-06:00

Do you ever give your husband hints? Do you make comments about things he does that ANNOY you, in the hopes that he will hear them and change? At times does it seem that no matter WHAT your husband does it bugs the HELL out of you??

That is where I am RIGHT now. I know I am a bit of a b*tch right now because I have my period...but come on...open your eyes and see the big picture!!! Pick up after yourself!! Put things away after you use them!! If I cook dinner, do the dishes (this is a normal in our house, however lately...not so much...I seem to be doing it all). If I tell you that I am sad and lonely and depressed, open your eyes and your heart and don't "read into" only 1 line out of the email I sent you!!

Somedays I think it would be easier to be married to another woman...we think alike. I know marriage is hard, and it's even harder trying to handle life changing events, but MAN...this is REALLY difficult!!!!

Somedays it's unbelievable

2011-01-11T21:53:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I just sit there and say to myself, "Is she really gone? She can't be. It's all been a dream, right?" Unfortunately it's not a dream. My heart is still broken, however I feel OK. I can't say that I feel good, or I'm handling things great...I'm pretty much just OK.

I did have a dream and she was in it last night...it was the first time since she's passed away...and it was so amazing and seemed so real. Oh how I would LOVE to see her again, to talk to her again, to hug her again, to kiss her again...oh how much I would love to just tell her "I love you MOM!!"

New Years resolution

2011-01-10T16:15:00.003-06:00

So...I decided what I was going to do for my New Year's resolution (besides the whole eating more healthy, lose weight, etc.)...and I am SO excited for it!!! I am going to try to not tell for a while, so I don't ruin it for those that are involved. :) If you really want to know you can ask...but I'm not going to put on here what it is. :)

I decided on doing something that if someone did it for me it would put a smile on my face...so I am going to try to do it for others. I smile each time I think about it...so we shall see how it goes. :)

I am so excited about it...I'd better get off here before I ruin my surprise!! :)

New Years and what to do...

2011-01-09T15:03:00.002-06:00

I am trying to figure out what I want to do for New Years. I don't want to make actual "resolutions"...I want to do something different. I'm thinking of a list of things that are achievable but I have to actually work for them. I hate saying the "normal" I'm going to lose weight, not spend as much, stick to a budget, etc., etc.

If you have any ideas or something that you are planning on doing...please let me know. I am open to suggestions!!!

Happy 8th Birthday Becca

2011-01-07T07:32:00.004-06:00

Talk about time flying by...my Miracle baby is 8 today!!! After 4 miscarriages I was told to look into donor eggs, adoption, told I would pretty much not be able to carry a child of my own...but even Doctors get it wrong sometimes!!!

You are never in a hurry. I went in at 7:30 for a Doctor's appointment and they sent me to the hospital to be induced because I had too much fluid, so they started the induction at 9am and you were born the following day at 4:00am. It took over 2 hours of pushing to bring you into this world...you weren't in any hurry to get here...but I couldn't wait to have you and see your beautiful face!!

You are stubborn and head strong. You are always right...or at least you ALWAYS think you are. You always want the last word with everyone (including your teachers). In my opinion I think this is going to be a great trait for when you are older, you will know what you want and you will fight to get it. When you are 8...you need to listen to your elders. :)

You are beautiful!! You have an angel kiss on your forehead that I was so concerned about when you were little, all I wanted was for it to go away, and it did for the most part. However, lately I have seen it on your forehead a lot more...and now I know why you have it...it was placed there so your Gee-ma could kiss you from Heaven. She's your angel...and she is still kissing you from up there!!

You are very smart!! And I am so proud of you for that!!! You get good grades and you LOVE school...keep it up...it will take you FAR!!

You are all GIRL. Pink, Purple, dresses, skirts, dolls, dress-up, Barbies, Liv dolls, etc., etc

You are LOVED so much, and you LOVE others!! I knew I wanted you way before you were conceived, but I never knew how much I could love you, until you were born. You care about others and their feelings and you hate to disappoint or upset them. That is a true friend and a person that others want to be around...that is a trait that you inherited from your family!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful Daughter!!! I love you!!!!

My baby turns 4 today

2011-01-06T10:16:00.008-06:00

Wow...my little man is 4 today!! Where did the time go?? So much has happened in your 4 years here, I can't believe it.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I could not believe I was carrying a boy. I asked the nurse "are you sure?"...I swore you were a girl. :) At first I was unsure of having a baby boy, but the minute you were born I was sure glad you were YOU.

You have no patience...which from the minute my labor started I should have known. I kept telling the nurse "he's coming, he's coming, I'm not pushing, but he's coming"...and you were out in 2 pushes!! The Dr. barely had time to get ready.

You are head-strong and know what you want. You always have been, and I wouldn't think any different!!

You are loving and caring. You LOVE to snuggle with your Mom...however my snuggle time has gone down the older you get, you still love to give me hugs and "smoooches".

You are giving. You will give someone something for no reason other than you want to. You give without being asked, and that's something that we aren't used to in this house with your siblings. You are so giving...and this makes me extremely happy...I think you got that from your Gee-ma!!

You are ALL boy!! I enjoy watching you play, learn, and grow. You are completely different from your sister...she enjoys "girl" things and you are out there digging in the dirt, playing with cars, figuring out how things work, etc., etc. You pee standing up...and are very happy when there is one of those "stand up kind" in the public restrooms.

You make me smile!! And some days I really need it!!! I love you baby boy!!!
Happy Birthday!!!!

Catch up time

2011-01-05T22:09:00.003-06:00

OK...I know I said I would be better about this...I'm sorry!!! We've had a busy month of December, so I will try to get it all down and add pictures. (I know...quit holding your breath...I think I can do it!!)

So, the month of December flew by us and was over before we knew it. We got back from Illinois at the end of November and knew that we only had about 3 weeks before our company got in town for the holidays. I worked hard at getting the house in order and presents bought and that was how I spent most of the beginning of the month. I also started baking and using Mom's Kitchenaid stand mixer a lot...which by the way...I am in LOVE with!! Cooking and baking have been something that keeps me occupied and I seem to be enjoying...so that is something positive for me!! :)

The kids finished up school in December with parties and such and then we were off to Dallas to pick up Kent for the holidays on Sunday the 19th. He flew in on Monday morning and we then headed home with a stop in Waco to see Baylor and to go through the Texas Ranger Museum (not the baseball team). He seemed to have a great time here, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed having him. He went on walks to the park, played Wii, and just hung out with them...which they LOVED. He made memories with them that they will have forever...which was really good for all of us, especially this year.

It was just the 6 of us for Christmas, Katie and Troy were leaving Illinois on Monday after Christmas and heading down. I thought Christmas went very well...and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. We opened presents, had breakfast, hung out and played all day, and then had beef brisket for dinner. It was a great day!!! Katie and Troy got here on tuesday afternoon and we hung out a lot and didn't do a whole lot of anything...it was really nice!!!! New Year's Eve we hung out here at our house and played games and ate and had a great day.

Everyone packed up and left Saturday morning around 11am...and I went into depression and didn't get out of bed till Sunday night...it was terrible. My cousin's wife wrote me a note and pretty much summed it all up: I put off dealing with my mom not being with us on Christmas and New Years because we had company and I was so excited to have people down here with us, then when they left I dealt with all of the emotions of them leaving and the emotions of my Mom not here anymore...wow..too much to comprehend or deal with (at least in my opinion)

So, we are back into our "normal" routine, or at least as normal as I can right now. It's very lonely down here with no family and also really with no friends. I am not the most outgoing person, and I am home all day...so I don't have a lot of chances to make friends. I know...it will happen...but sometimes I get really down just trying to get through the day. Anyways...that is where we are and where we have been for the month of December. 2 birthdays tomorrow and Friday...Wow...where does the time go?? My babies are another year older!! Now some pictures:

The kids with Papa at the Texas Ranger Museum

Kent and the Brazos (there is a Country song about the Brazos and he wanted his picture by it)

The kids with Santa at Jason's work

All of us at the Bass Pro Shop

Nights are the worst

2010-12-12T03:42:00.002-06:00

So, it's now 3:43am and I am totally, and completely awake. Never mind that I drank some coffee at 10:00pm (caffeine never had that affect on me in the past), but the nights seem to be the worst time of day (or night) for me. If I am not 99% almost asleep when I lay down, I lay there and think of Mom and everything she went through in the last year. And I cry, and cry, and cry. I try to do it quietly, but lately I just sob and I have to get up and leave the room so I don't wake Jason. When we were home for Thanksgiving is when it started, and it's been bad ever since.

When I think of my Mom, all I can think of is the last year. When I picture her, I picture her when I saw her in July, with hardly any hair and thin as can be from the chemo. I try my hardest to think of happy times and the times when she had beautiful hair and she was a healthy weight...but I can't remember her like that. I will never forget calling Jason when I saw her in July and saying to him, "The next time I see my Mom, it's going to be for her funeral." ...and I was right. I miss my Mom so much my heart hurts. Life's lessons suck!!! I am so mad that I have to live the rest of my life without my Mom. What lesson is this teaching me?? Because right now I am failing at life or at least I feel like I'm failing. I'm not the parent or the wife I want to be. I have NO friends here in Texas. And I am so lonely 90% of the time, that I pretty much hate life right now.

I just don't know how to move on, and part of me doesn't know if I even want to.

I miss you Mom more than you will ever know!!!!

Trying to live through the holidays

2010-12-09T16:14:00.002-06:00

I can not believe that Christmas is 16 days away...wow...where does the time go???

On the outside I am doing pretty well dealing with the holidays and all of the pressures and issues that go along with it. However on the inside I am crumbling away. Christmas is my Mom's favorite holiday...she LOVED it...she LOVED giving and would have been completely happy if she never received anything, she just loved giving to others.

I am having trouble trying to figure out how to manage, how to enjoy the holiday without my Mom here...and I am failing miserably. My insides are constantly hurting and I at times just have trouble living. How do I enjoy myself when my mom is gone? How do I laugh and smile and carry on when she isn't anymore?? I know...it's what she would want...but I just don't believe it. Of course she would not want me hurting, but would she really want me to just "go on"?? Wouldn't she rather me think of her, remember her, and carry on everything she was??

Jason is pushing for me to go talk to a grief counselor and part of me thinks it might be a good idea, but the thought of telling someone that I don't know that I have a problem...not sure I can do it. He talked to the Priest at our church and he knows the best grief counselor here in San Antonio and he doesn't take new patients, unless you mention that the priest referred you. They also will bill insurance and if your insurance doesn't cover this, then they will bill the church, so no money has to be spent out of your pocket...which is amazing!!!

So...it's something I need to think about. I am just unsure if it is something that I want to do...even though I know it will help in the end.

So, I know all of you that read this aren't therapists...but if you have any ideas for me on how to get through the holidays...I would really appreciate anything!!!

Mom's last wishes and goodbyes

2010-12-07T15:13:00.002-06:00

So, we got up on Friday the 24th and headed to the funeral home. My Uncle watched the kids so that Jason could go with Katie, Kent and I. Being in that place knowing my Mom's body was there and I couldn't see it...was really hard. I wanted to ask to see her, but at the same time I was so scared to see her, so I didn't ask. We went into a room and sat down to do paperwork, the obituary, pick a casket and vault and drop off the clothes that we had brought for her to be buried in.

We got the obituary written and then went into another room to pick her casket. The first one I saw was a peach colored one and I said to Katie...this is it. However, it was one of the cheapest ones that they had, and we felt kind of "cheap" buying it. Mom's last wishes were for a plain box and no visitation. They had plain boxes there, but they were terrible...I couldn't imagine putting my beautiful mom in that ugly box. So...after about 45 minutes we finally decided on the peach one that we saw at first. Mom would have loved it if she could have seen it. After that we went out and had to pick a verse for the inside of the note card thing that people pick up at the visitation. They had books full of them but Katie and I picked one that was absolutely and completely Mom. :) After we were done at the funeral home we headed out to the cemetery.

At the cemetery we went down and saw where she was going to be buried. Her final resting place would be next to my dad on the left and when Kent passes away he will be buried on her right, so she will be between the 2. When my dad died she had his headstone made with her name on it, and I don't want that to stay if she isn't going to be buried there. So...she had purchased a single headstone back when he died also, so we went ahead and used that one for my Dad (I am going to bring their old stone here to Texas) and Kent and my Mom will have a new one. After the cemetery...we were off to the flower store.

We stopped at Blossom Basket and picked out the flowers for the top of her casket and a small pillow from the grand kids. Wow...flowers are expensive!!! After that was done we went back to the house to find out where the kids were. We hung out together for the night...it had been a long emotional day for all of us.

My Mom had said that she did not want a visitation, she wanted only a private burial at the cemetery for family only. However...we needed a visitation. We needed to see how many people Mom had touched. We needed to say our goodbyes to her and let all of her friends say their goodbyes also. So, what we decided to do was have a visitation, but have the casket closed after the family said their goodbyes. So the casket would be open for an hour before the visitation for family and then we would close it and let the rest of the people in. I think Mom would have been OK with our plan.

On Sunday, the day of the visitation we got there about an hour or so early. This would be the first time I had seen Mom in 2 weeks...and I was so scared. I started up the casket and had to stop and pick up James, I couldn't do it alone. I started sobbing about 10 feet away and had a hard time moving my feet forward. I hate funerals and visitations. I just stood next to her and sobbed and kept saying "Oh Mom, Oh Mom"...She looked so at peace and like she was finally at rest. That was the one thing that was so important...because the pain was SO bad for so long. She had a spot on her right ear that was black, and later on that day Katie told me it was because she had laid on that side so much at the end that it started to become a sore. I kept saying "why couldn't they fix that, why couldn't they hide it". What a silly thing to be worried about. My Mom was beautiful. She looked so pretty laying there. The kids did well with everything also. James wanted to touch her...all the time. He would walk up to the casket and reach over and touch her head or if we were holding him he would reach down and touch her hands, it was really sweet. Becca never cried, never shed a tear, never really talked about it. Bradley just hung out by the casket and watched people.

The rest of the family came to see her and give us their support. We were all there about an hour and then others started coming in, so we made sure they stopped everyone and everyone left so they could close the casket. We stood there for about 3 hours and there was a constant stream of people paying their respects. It was great to see everyone and see how much Mom meant to others. After the visitation everyone came over to Mom's for dinner that Cindy had prepared for everyone. It was great.

The actual funeral was going to be tough. We got to the funeral home early again to see her for the last time. I bawled and bawled...I couldn't say my goodbyes...I couldn't imagine not seeing her physical body ever again. The rest of the family came and said their goodbyes and then it was our turn to say ours so that they could close the casket for the last time. I kissed her forehead and told her that I will always love her and that she was the most important person in my life...Goodbye Mom. Steve Busick did the funeral, and he did an amazing job!!! He said everything right, and everything that we wanted said. We headed out to the cemetery and I called Prairie Gardens to say that we would be driving by...when we got to the corner of Duncan and Springfield we looked over and there were about 30 people or so standing there. The funeral director stopped the hearse right in front of them and they all waved, blew kisses, and said their goodbyes to her. OMG...it was amazing!!! Sobbing in the backseat again!!

After we laid her to rest at the cemetery we headed to the VFW for dinner. It was nice, but hard to enjoy when all I thought about was what we had just done. My Mom was buried, in the cold ground, she was gone...and all I felt was alone.

We buried her on Monday and Tuesday afternoon we headed back to Texas. I cried the entire way to the airport, the entire flight to Dallas and the drive to San Antonio. To think about moving on, or continuing my life without my Mom was inconceivable. I can't imagine being happy again or laughing or living. My Mom was with me for my entire 38 years. I talked to her on the phone daily, and sometimes more than once. I loved her, more than I have ever loved anyone else. My Dad died before I was born...so my Mom filled in as both of my parents...and now I have no parents. Sadness overwhelmed me and it still does.

My life has changed and there are days that I can't hardly "live". We got back home and we "went on". We have no plans to go back to Illinois (unless we go for Thanksgiving)...so this will be the longest I have been in Texas. We'll see how life treats us. :)

That's how we said goodbye to my Mom. She will always be in my heart, and I will miss her everyday. I will continue to talk about her to the kids though, because I am scared that someday they won't remember her. I will never forget her...and I will love her till eternity!!!

The Dreaded phone call

2010-12-05T14:25:00.002-06:00

So, where to begin??

The week before September 23rd, I talked to Mom on the phone once. I hadn't talked to her except for one time after we left Illinois and that phone call was pretty much "Hi, I love you, sleep, talk to you soon, I love you, bye". So I called her room on Saturday, September 18th and my Aunt Kathy answered the phone. I asked how she was doing and she said she was sleeping, but she would hold the phone to her ear and maybe she would wake up to talk to me. So, she did and I said "Hi Mom!", and she said "Hi Honey" back to me. I asked how she was and she said OK. There was a bit of silence so I said "I love you Mom" and she said "I love you too" back to me, followed by silence again. I said "Mom, are you there?" and she said "Yes". I asked her if Aunt Kathy was there and she said "Yes", so I said "I love you again" and she said it back to me...this went on for about 5 or 6 exchanges and finally I said "Mom, I love you, give the phone back to Aunt Kathy, I love you" and she just kept saying over and over "I love you". Finally someone took the phone and hung up. That was the last time I talked to my Mom. Sad thing is, was I was annoyed because they let her just lay there and didn't take the phone from her...I guess looking back they didn't want to ruin "my last talk" with her. I will cherish those 3 words everyday that she said to me, over and over.

On September 22nd I talked with my sister about some pads that they were out of to put on the bed and we figured out that Belinda had some and Katie was going to go over and get them the next day to take to Mom. At this point Mom had barely opened her eyes or talked in about a week. I was the last one to really carry on any conversation with her. Katie and I talked on the phone quite a bit and discussed some things that Mom had talked about with us in the hospital, such as where she wanted to be buried, etc. At 4:44am on September 23rd the phone rang and it was Katie. They were at the nursing home and this was it. Mom was developing all of this mucous stuff in her mouth and was causing her breathing to be very labored. The nurse said it was a matter of time. Wow...I couldn't believe it...this was it.

At 5:20 am the phone rang again, I hadn't moved, I was still sitting in the same spot on the bed...my mom had died. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it...the most important person in my life was gone. The woman that gave me life was gone. I am now "parent less"...both of my parents are dead. My children will never see there "Gee-ma", she will never see them grow up, graduate from High School, get married, have kids, etc., etc. This was all I could think of. I told my sister I would call my Aunt and Uncle Phil and she was going to try to get a hold of my Uncle Rick, Uncle Mike was there at the nursing home. Our lives were crushed right before our eyes...and I wasn't there.

I had told myself that I would probably not be there when she went, and I was OK with that. However, the closer it got...the harder that was to wrap my mind and heart around. My mom was there for me always. At each and every main event in my life, and here I was in San Antonio while my Mom died in Illinois. I know it was what had to be and if I had been able I would have been there with her, but the kids had to be at home and in school...so we were here. I had peace and I was thankful for the week we spent with her at my birthday. I just loved her more than anything else in the world and she was gone.

We had talked about driving home when this time came, however the thought of driving 17+ hours with such a heavy heart was not happening. We booked flights and headed out at noon to drive to Dallas to catch our flight to Champaign. That 5 hour car ride was the longest in my life. Everything went pretty smoothly and we got to Champaign around 8:45pm and Uncle Rick and Lucas were there to pick us up. I couldn't keep it together, as soon as I saw him I was bawling. His sister was gone...and my mom was gone...OMG....how are we going to do this?? He took us to Mom's house and Kent and Katie were outside waiting for us. I just held onto my sister and didn't want to let go. Kent and I hugged and it all just seemed surreal. The next day was going to be the hardest ever...planning for my Mom's funeral and visitation.

O'Connors head back to Illinois

2010-11-15T15:42:00.002-06:00

So, I got tickets to go back to Illinois for our family to spend some time with Mom. I had talked to Mom and told her that we were coming because it was my birthday and I wanted to be with her...that was my only wish!! She was so excited, she just started crying. So, we put the tickets on the debit card (yep, the debit card-you know, the one with the daily limit). So, Jason received an email 2 days later saying that the card was declined due to it being over the limit...however, Jason just deleted the email, without reading it, so our tickets were cancelled. Yep...cancelled!!!

So we were to leave first thing on Saturday morning, Jason went on to print our tickets and they were not there. So, he immediately got on the phone to find out what we could do. Does anyone know how mad I was at that point....nope, no idea. I could not believe it. We found out that they could get us back to Champaign the next day, but it wouldn't be till 9pm. That was not going to work...we would miss an entire day with Mom. So, they finally figured out that they could get us into Springfield (because Mom was still there) around 2pm...and Uncle Rick would pick us up and take us to see Mom. That works!!!!

So, we fly into Springfield on September 4th and Uncle Rick picks us up and takes us to St. Johns. We walked into Mom's room and she looked SO GOOD!!! OMG...she had put on some weight, and she looked great. I was so surprised!! The kids ran up to her to hug her and kiss her, and I was right behind. She started crying and so did I. Knowing in my heart that this would be the last trip home to spend with her while she was alive. At this point no one had told her the timeline...so we knew what her future held, while she was still fighting to live, because she didn't know what the Dr. had told me. The next day was my birthday, and I spent it with her...it was the best present ever!!!

The nurses were trying their hardest to get Mom back over to Champaign. The insurance was trying to say that she could stay in Springfield because there was nothing they couldn't do that Champaign couldn't do. It was the biggest mess I have ever seen. Finally they got a hold of her Dr. in Champaign and he wanted her back as soon as possible...so the insurance worked a bit harder with the hospitals and got her moved. She got back to Champaign at 10pm on Monday...and we were thrilled to have her back there!!! The nurses in Champaign were crying, Mom was crying, I was crying...it was great to be HOME!!!!

Tuesday the Dr. came in and said that he wanted the OT/PT people to come in and start working with her (she hadn't been out of bed in 12 days or so), so they came in and finally I said she can't get up and walk around (with the fistulas)...so they said they would go back and figure out what the Dr. wanted. Dr. came back in on Wednesday, the whole family was there with her and her friends, and he gave her the news that there was nothing more he could do for her. To sit in a room and hear those words about the one person in your life that has known you the longest, loved you unconditionally your entire life, been there with you through thick and thin and everything in between, it was something that I will never forget. My mom is dying....and I am going to lose her.

We were suppose to fly out on thursday to head back home, but they wanted to move her back to the nursing home, or send her home. We had a lot to figure out so Jason called and got our tickets moved to Sunday, so we would have a bit more time to "plan". Thursday was the best day ever!! Mom was alert, and awake almost the entire day. She was laughing and carrying on conversations with everyone. It was the most amazing thing ever. I will look back, and that is the day I will remember!!!

We got her moved to the nursing home on Friday evening and I stayed with her that night. Saturday she pretty much slept the entire day. I got really worried about her, she did not wake up till about 1pm that afternoon and even then it was just for a little bit. The kids and Jason were leaving the next morning at 6am, so they came to say their goodbyes that evening. Wow, what an emotional time that was. I think I was dreading this more than saying goodbye to her on my own. Jason was a mess, he was so shaken up. My mom loved him like a son and treated him like one too for the entire 14 years we've been together. He came out of the room and was devastated. Bradley too. He never cries...and he was truly shaken up. Rebecca holds everything in...and she did that day too. I'm not sure that Becca understood what was going on, or what it meant. Saying "goodbye" for the last time...I don't think that sunk in till it was too late. James and I weren't leaving till 5 the next afternoon, so we were going to spend the next day with her...so...we had some time still

Jason and the kids took off and off to the nursing home we went. Katie had spent the night with her, so when we got there we just hung out for a while. Mom wasn't awake much and was not really alert a whole lot. I couldn't believe this was going to be my last day with her and she was so out of it. They had up'ed her pain meds...so that was playing a lot into it. I tried and tried to wake her and talk with her, but it didn't really work. Katie, Dave (troy's dad), and James left to go get some lunch, and then Becky Jane came so I talked with her for a while. About 3:30 I finally said I probably need to get thinking about going. I tried and tried to wake her, and I leaned down to kiss her and she turned her head from me. I think I had surprised her, and that is why she moved her head, but it still hurt, it hurt a lot!!! I cried the whole way back to her house, I cried all the way back home on the plane. I would never see my Mom alive again. WOW!!!! Hard to wrap your mind around...still is!!!

3 weeks

2010-11-12T10:54:00.002-06:00

While Mom was in Springfield she saw her Dr. that did her colonoscopy and he said there was no way he could do surgery on her. She was too weak and he wasn't sure she would make it out of surgery. What?? Why did the Dr.'s in Champaign send her over there anyways?? Becky Jane called and told me that...I couldn't believe it.

I called the Dr. over there and left a message for him to call me back. About 1/2 an hour later he called and we talked. He asked me if her oncologist in Champaign has told us that she had probably 3 weeks to live. WHAT??? The Dr. in Champaign never tells us anything and has never given us a life expectancy. Are you serious?? I kept asking him this on the phone. He said "Have you seen her lately? She is a shell of what she used to be, she isn't vibrant, she looks like she has fought the fight...but she's not winning". He said if we wanted to have any "quality" time, we needed to get back now.

I got off the phone with him and immediately called Jason and we booked a flight for 3 days later to go to Illinois to have our quality time with her. It ended up being Labor Day weekend, and my birthday...so we just told her that I wanted to see her for my birthday...and we were all coming home. I didn't tell her what the Dr. told me...I didn't want her to quit fighting, and I think that would have done it. I just told her I wanted to be with her...that was my 1 birthday wish. So...we went back to Illinois and our 5 day trip turned into 9 days.

3 weeks...how do you live those 3 weeks, if you know they are your last days. Your last days to say, do, feel...how do you do it? How do you look at your kids, and your grandkids and say goodbye?? How do you say all you want to say in that small amount of time? I had these and many more questions going through my mind. As her daughter...how do I look at my Mom and tell her that I love her, that she is my inspiration, that she is my hero, that she is my best friend, and I don't think I can go on living if she isn't her with me? I'm not old enough to lose her...am I? It was a long 3 days getting ready to go, and a long plane ride home...not knowing what to expect!!!

In and out of hospital and nursing home

2010-11-11T16:07:00.003-06:00

When we left to move to Texas, Mom was admitted into the hospital and was there for about a week. She then went home and started chemo which took a lot out of her. We came home on July 2nd and she was home with us during that entire month. When we were about to leave she was admitted back into the hospital the day before we were leaving because she was anemic. She was there for about another week, and then she had to go to a nursing home for rehab.

They got her into Heartland on Springfield Ave., on the rehab floor. She seemed to get a lot better, she started eating a lot better, they also had her on TPN (IV nutrition) and she got up and out of bed a lot to do rehab. She rode a bike, did arm exercises, etc. She sounded SO much stronger on the phone...I was so impressed with how she was doing. They then started chemo again and she did pretty well with that. They went over to the clinic for chemo once a week. She also started radiation again on the area in her groin since the cancer had spread to her thigh and was going into the bone...which was the 3rd time for chemo in that area. Which they usually don't do it that much, usually only once, maybe twice, but never 3 times.

She was there maybe 2 weeks and found out she had a large fissula and a couple smaller ones down in her groin area. She had gotten up to go to chemo and a large amount of fecal matter came out through these fissulas and they immediately sent her to the ER. In the ER they immediately said she had to go back over to Springfield to see her Dr. over there to have immediate surgery. So...they loaded her up in the ambulance to go over there. She was there about 10 days before we could get her back over to Champaign and back into the hospital there. They were not able to keep her in the hospital for hospice, so she had to go to the nursing home or home to die. We knew that we would not be able to care for her and her fissulas (they had gotten so bad...the nurses had never seen anything like hers before)...so she went back to the nursing home and was there for 13 days before she went to heaven. No one should ever have to go through what she did...but she knew that the hospital was where she needed to be when she was so weak and sick. In and out, in and out...my poor mom spent more time in the hospitals in the last year than ever before in her entire life. The wonderful thing...her nurses were AMAZING!!! They cared for her and loved her so much. I have never seen a nurse hug and kiss their patients...but they did with my Mom. She was blessed to have them.

4th of July in Illinois

2010-11-09T20:38:00.002-06:00

So, I think we are on track...We moved to San Antonio on June 9th and on July 2nd the kids and I packed up the van and drove back to Illinois for a couple of weeks. Or at least what we thought would be a couple of weeks. :)

We made the drive in 17 hours...and you have no idea how excited I was to see my Mom. I called when we hit Illinois and Katie and her were on the way to the Dr. One of Mom's levels were off, so she had to get some potassium (I think)...when she usually gets this it takes about 4 hours...so we thought we might get to the house before they got back. Katie called when we were about an hour away and said they were headed home, so they would be there when we got there. Yay!!

We got off of 57 onto Curtis Road and MAN did it feel good!!! I was so excited. I had talked to my Mom a lot on the phone, pretty much at least once a day, so I knew she was weak and slept a lot. This was due to her starting chemo, and it was kicking her butt!!! She had called me about 10 days before we got there and told me that her hair was falling out, so I knew to expect that...but really wasn't ready for it. We pulled up in front of the house and Kent was outside waiting on us. He came out and hugged the kids, then Katie came out the garage door to meet us. Mom was following her...and OMG...she looked so weak, like she couldn't even make it 10 feet out of the house. She started bawling as soon as I saw her...I ran to her and just hugged and hugged her. She was down to about 90 lbs, her hair was almost all out, and she was just a shell of the person I knew and loved. She cried and cried, as did I!!! We got her turned around and headed back in the house. She was so tired, we talked for a bit and then she layed down to catch a nap. I got the kids together and we went to get lunch. I called Jason and said "Next time I see my Mom it will be to bury her". That's how different she looked from when we left...I was really scared!!!

We pretty much didn't do much while we were in Illinois...we hung out with Mom and kept her company. She pretty much was on the couch 23 hours a day and the hour she wasn't she was walking to the bathroom to empty her bags or to the kitchen to take her meds for the pain. The pain was unbearable and she didn't sleep much at all while we were there. I got to spend a lot of quality time with her and I am so glad that I did. We went home to spend 4th of July with her since this is her favorite holiday and they always have everyone over. She was not up to everyone coming, so we just had Uncle Rick and Aunt Ann over and we hung out at the house all day. We watched the parade on the TV, which was the first time we ever did that. We had dinner and enjoyed being with family.

So, the kids really wanted to go to the fair at the end of the month...so I talked with Jason and we ended up staying till the 28th. Mom continued to go downhill while we were home. She had trouble eating because of no appetite and keeping food down and she became weaker and weaker. Every night she got up at 3am to take her pain pills. I would get up with her to make sure that she made it into the kitchen. We would sit there and talk for about 30 minutes or so...it was GREAT. The day before we were to leave I was going to take her to chemo. We started out to the car and about 3 steps before I got her there she collapsed and was having a hard time breathing. Thank goodness I had my arm around her, I held her up and finally got her in the car. I told her we were not going back in the house, we were either going to the Dr. or to the ER. I drove over to christie and they said to take her immediately to the ER. I got her over there and they couldn't figure out why she was having trouble breathing, all of those tests came back normal. They did do some bloodwork and they found that she was severly anemic. They admitted her again. So...we were to be leaving the next day and she was going to be back in the hospital when we leave. :(

We did end up leaving again the next day, Mom seemed to be in good spirits and was happy that they were able to give her oxygen and that wasn't an "issue" anymore. We didn't know how long she would be there but it was where she needed to be with her health. Another hard day...leaving her again!!! We ate with the Courtneys and then headed out about 8pm. Man...leaving each time just gets harder and harder.

July was spent in Illinois...and looking back now...I am SO glad!!!! Mom and I got to spend some quality time, and that was something that I will cherish forever!!!!

Moving to San Antonio

2010-11-08T22:20:00.002-06:00

So, Jason and I came down to San Antonio to look for a house at the end of April. We found 1 that we really liked, 5 houses down from the short sale house that we put an offer in on, and we got it!! We signed all of the paperwork to get out of the short sale since we did not get any response from the bank about our offer. We were there for the inspection and everything, and everything seemed in GREAT condition. It is about 400 square feet smaller, but the layout is better for us...so we were really excited!!!

We sold our house in Champaign, and moved in with my Mom for about 2 weeks before we headed out for Texas. This had to have been the best thing for me and my family. We got to spend good quality time with my mom and I will forever be grateful for it!! The day we were to leave for Texas my Mom got admitted into the hospital because we found out that her cancer was back. OMG...how do I leave when she just got the WORST news possible. I talked with all of my family and with Mom and she said to go. So...we did!! Wow...was that the hardest decision ever. We packed up our van, and said our goodbyes to all of our family and friends at Mom's house. Jason's mom had come down on the train that day and she was going to drive down with us and then fly home after a week, to help us out. I will forever be grateful for that. My Uncle Rick drove us all over to the hospital to say our goodbyes to my Mom. The kids did great, I sat on the edge of her bed and just kept saying "Mom, I don't have to go...I can stay, and head down later". She rubbed my thigh and just kept saying "Go, I am OK, I will be fine...your family needs you and you have to go". I hugged her and held onto her for the longest time and kissed her goodbye.

We got back to the house, said goodbye to Belinda and headed out. OMG...it is the longest drive ever!!!! We stopped for gas, breakfast, lunch and got to the house around 4:30 in the afternoon. We didn't get all of our "stuff" till the next day...so we slept on the floor in our house the first night. Man it felt good to be here, but man I missed my Mom so much. Our trucks got here the next day and it took most of the day to unload.

We have moved to Texas...that is something that I NEVER thought I would write. I thought we would live in my Grandma's house forever!!! And I never thought I would leave my Mom. I had a few nights where I talked to her on the phone and I got myself into a panic attack, and couldn't breathe...it was so scary...and she sat on the other end and just said "it's not forever, and you will be back soon, it will be OK Honey... it will be OK. I love you!!" I will never forget those words.

We are now Texans!!! Unimaginable!!! :) I know this is a short and sweet account of our move...but I am so behind...this is the best I can do!!! If you have any questions...feel free to ask!! :)

Christmastime with Shutterfly

2010-11-08T14:46:00.003-06:00

Hi there!!! I was informed that Shutterfly was giving away 50 cards if you just talk about them...so here we go!!! I am so excited to have found out about this. I love sending cards, and I love even more sending cards with pictures of my kids. Cards help keep all of our family and friends up to date with our family, and it allows them to see pictures of the kids. I am so excited to try Shutterfly out for our family Christmas card!!! If all goes well, I imagine I will use Shutterfly for all of our cards!! They also offer many other exciting things such as:

wall calendars to http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

canvas wall art to http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art

new years cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/new-years-cards

All you have to do is blog about Shutterfly and how you are going to use their products or a past experience with them...and you can get 50 free cards also!!! Come on...let's get busy designing our cards!!!!

Catch up!!

2010-11-07T21:40:00.002-06:00

Well, this has been the longest break ever. So much has happened since my last post. I think I will just give bullet-points and then I will pick 1 every day or so and talk about them. That will help me not be on here for hours tonight...and it will make me come back here and actually talk about things. Here we go:

*Moved to San Antonio
*Kids and I came back to Illinois for the entire month of July
*Mom was in and out of the hospital and in a nursing home
*Doctors said at the end of August that Mom had about 3 weeks or so
*Jason the kids and I went back to Illinois to spend about 5 days with Mom
*Mom died September 23rd
*Back to Illinois to prepare for visitation and funeral
*Back in San Antonio for the longest period since we moved
*Began doing the C25K...am in week 3
*Kids are doing well is school and seem to enjoy school here
*James is in Zoo School
*I am a Stay at home Mom

Well, I think that is the list I will work on. I will be back hopefully tomorrow to take on the first bullet point!!!

Hope all is well with everyone!!! I am back, and I will hope to stay up on this blog!!

Long overdue post

2010-05-28T22:50:00.002-05:00

So, this post is SO long overdue...sorry to those of you that read!!!

So, this morning we closed on our house here in Champaign...and it was COMPLETELY bittersweet!! Selling out house was the craziest thing we've done lately!! That house meant so much to me and our family and I was SO sick to my stomach leaving the bank that I thought I would be sick. I was brought home to that house after I was born, and my mom and I lived there with my grandparents and my Uncle until I was 5 years old. After my grandma died we had the privilege of buying the house...and I was able to bring my youngest home from the hospital to that house!! It was amazing and I was lucky to be able to do this. I always felt close to my Grandma while we were living there...I knew that she was our guardian angel and she was looking out for us. Will she still watch over us all in Texas?? Man...I hope so!!

The movers came on Wednesday to pack up our house, they were suppose to bring a semi to take it to store until they bring it to Texas on June 11th...however, they showed up with a 24 ft truck and laughed when they saw how much stuff we have. They ended up working for 14 hours that day and it took 2 trucks to get all of our stuff packed up. But they did it...finally!!! Cleaned the house and visited with family that came by on Thursday...which was really nice...and closed today. It's been a whirlwind of emotion and a lot of things have happened that I am still trying to take in.

We are in Champaign until June 9th, and then we make the trek down to Texas...and I don't know how I am going to do it!!! I am so scared to leave my mom. She is doing better, but the thought of not being able to see her whenever I want is so overwhelming. She is my BEST friend (beside Jason)...and I love her so much...I know we are just a plane ride away...but it's not the same. It is going to be so hard, but I am trying to keep it all in so the kids don't see how sad I really am. I want them to have everything in life...and this is such an amazing opportunity, I have to focus on the positive, and not the negative. That will be a new thing for me. :)

Kids are done with school...so now we are just busy visiting people and "hanging" out. It's been GREAT!!!

My last day of work ended up being the 19th instead of the 21st. I took my mom to the Dr. on the 19th and he sent her immediately over to the hospital to be admitted, and I wasn't leaving her side. He was concerned about a cyst in her groin being cancer...it's NOT, biopsy was negative!!! and he wanted a "filter" put in her groin because she has a blood clot in that area. She had the biopsy and the filter put in and she got to come home on Monday. :) Did I feel bad about not going back to work...NO!!! I miss the participants so much, and the Part time staff and Decka...but that's it!! The new boss was terrible and she made everyone feel like they weren't worth anything and that was really hard working for someone like her. I think the Champaign and Urbana Park Districts made a HUGE mistake hiring this person to be the Director of CUSR...but they didn't ask my opinion...so... It's nice not having to work and be under stress and deal with people that you don't want to. Oh well...that part of my life is done...and I'm glad!!

So...I will update again soon...however it might be after we are in Texas!! We'll see!!!

Updates...

2010-03-23T23:39:00.003-05:00

So...the house has been on the market for 5 days so far. We have had 1 offer already, however it didn't work out...here's what happened: The house is on the market for $142,900, their offer was $135,000+washer/dryer (which was not on the list of appliances we are leaving), we countered with $140,000 with no washer (dryer can stay...we can't use it in Texas, it's gas, we need electric), the counter-counter offered with $138,000, we came back with $139,000 which was in between both offers, and was right in the middle of asking price and 1st offer...and it was the lowest we wanted to go, being the 1st day it was on the market. Well...that's where it ended. We heard nothing back from the buyers, nothing, not a darn thing...not even a "no, we will only go $138,000"...they didn't even put it back in our court and let us REALLY consider the offer. UGH!!! Then on Sunday at 4pm (4 hours after the offer ended) their realtor called our realtor and said her buyers were going to look at other houses...THANKS!!! And...this is the couple that knows friends of ours, they found the house, etc...we will be paying their realtor $4200...for what...opening the front door for them...OMG...that IRRITATES me!!!

So, now we are doing the whole...what the HELL did we just do?? I know in my heart we are still OK...it's only been on the market 5 days, it'll be OK. But, man would it have been nice to be DONE, not have to worry about the house being in "show status", etc. Well, that's it so far...we've had 4 showings...1 offer...and we still own the house. :) My goal is to be positive...it has been so hard the last couple of days, but I'm really trying!!

We still know nothing about the house in Texas. We are hoping by the end of the week we will know something. The sellers realtor is going to really push BofA...they keep saying that only a few more days, they have all of the paperwork, it's just reading it...come on darn it...read the paperwork. I hope that by the end of the week we'll know something. Keep your fingers crossed!!

That's it for now!!!

Packing and waiting...

2010-03-05T14:45:00.002-06:00

So, the house is scheduled to go on the market on Monday, March 15th...yep, that's right...in 10 short days our house has to be ready!!! OMG!!!! Only 10 days?? Well, we've gotten a lot done, lots packed for garage sale, lots packed to go to Texas, but there is still LOTS to do. Jason and I made a list, but we keep adding to it each time we cross one off we add 2 or 3 more. I'm not so worried about actually putting it on the market, or about how long it will take to sell. I'm more worried about actually doing some "heavy" cleaning, and keeping the house looking spotless while it's on the market. That is very overwhelming and scary!!!

So, news on the house in Texas...NONE!! We put our offer in and the seller's accepted, however since it is a short sale it had to go to the sellers' bank to be accepted (basically they are wanting to sell it for less than they owe on it, so they will still be making "house" payments even though they won't be living in it). The sellers' are close to foreclosure, so they are wanting this to move through just as quickly as we do....but both sides are in a "waiting game" while the bank decides. There are LOTS of horror stories on the internet about short sales...and I think I've read A LOT of them, I got a bit "freaked out" earlier this week and I'm sure our realtor in Texas thinks we are crazy!! Oh well!!! This house is WONDERFUL, it is our DREAM house...but we HAVE to be patient!! Patience is not in my vocabulary. :) I know it will all work out if it's suppose to...but waiting is killing me!!!

We are all VERY excited about moving...that is everyone except my Mom. I'm hoping that she will come around before we leave so we aren't leaving on bad terms. I love my mom and I know she loves me, but the understanding of "why" we are doing this, she just doesn't want to accept. We'll see what happens with the hopes that everything will happen smoothly and everyone will understand WHY.

What are we going to do...??

2010-02-18T21:06:00.002-06:00

Ok...so the news is: WE'RE MOVING!!!! I'm still in shock and can't believe we are actually moving. We got preapproved today for the house that we fell in love with while we were there. It's a short sale house, the owners are trying to stay out of foreclosure. I'm hoping our realtor will get in touch with their realtor tomorrow and we can put an offer in. It's been on the market for a while, so hopefully it will work out. Keep your fingers crossed!!! It's 2800 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, formal dining room, living room, HUGE pantry and utility room, kitchen with all newer appliances, huge deck on the back with a decent sized yard. Of course I forgot my camera...so I do have the website and I'll try to put it on here so you can see it.

So, yes I am excited, but at the same time I am scared out of my mind. I'm scared to leave our family and friends and our entire support system. We will be moving and it will be just US. I know we will be fine and we will make it through, but at the same time who am I going to call when I need to get away?? The good thing is I won't have to work for at least a year or so, I'm trying to hold out of going back to work till James is in kindergarten, so that's my plan...Jason's may be different. :) Well, there you have it...we are moving to San Antonio, Tx. WOW!!!!!

Ramblings...

2010-02-06T21:34:00.002-06:00

Well, in 5 days we will be taking the family down to San Antonio, TX to make one of the biggest decisions in our lives. I feel like overall we have pretty much made our decision, however UTHSCSA has to come up with the numbers and the details. It is kind of exciting to think about, however the stress of an actual move makes me SICK to my stomach.

I have been trying to put stuff on Craigslist, Goodwill, or throw away all of the "junk" in our house. Trying to do this has been harder than I thought when it comes to some stuff, but we are getting there. I just wish it was nicer out so we could have a garage sale. We have LOTS of boxes so far for garage sales that we will HAVE to have this spring. Even Becca has been pretty good with getting rid of stuff, she went through her toy box of dolls, yes an entire toy box of dolls, and we got rid of 1/2. I was impressed!! There are a few parts of the house that are going to be really hard to go through. With James and Becca sharing a room, their room is very full, not sure how we will get it in "open house" status, but...we'll see. The other thing will be the basement. That is where all the kids toys are, and the back room is all of our "stuff". You know...the "stuff" we all have that we don't have any space for. Yeah...it will be hard!!!

We do have a realtor in San Antonio, so hopefully she will pull some houses together for us to see and we will find something that we like. It would be awesome if we can sell our house within a couple months and then buy something so when Jason goes down he can move into a house, and not an apartment. I don't want to move down there until we have a house. So...the waiting game, selling the house game, buying a house game, making decisions about the kids/schools game...oh yeah...LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!

2 weeks....

2010-01-27T22:49:00.002-06:00

2 weeks till possibly the biggest change in my life. OMG...I can't believe it. Right now the U of I is pretty much off the table, and the job in Texas is looking better and better every day, at least in Jason's "professional" eyes. If we could pick up my Mom, my Uncle and his family, and my sister and move them ALL to Texas...I would be completely happy!!! The kids are looking forward to visiting Texas and the possibility of moving there. I, on the other hand go back and forth every minute of every day. I think it will be a good move for our family. It will make us stronger as a family and it's a GREAT opportunity for Jason and his career. I can't tell him to not take this opportunity, I have to be positive and supportive, and I am trying...real hard!!

1 good thing that will happen if we move, is I will have the entire summer to be home getting the house in order, and the kids and I will be together. They won't have to go to camp or go to a "babysitter", etc. We will also be looking at preschools for James. That right now is a worry that I have, the other 2 will be in school, and we are looking at houses in the school district that was referred to me and I have a list of "exemplary and recognized" schools that we are looking at houses in those neighborhoods. I actually have my eyes on 2 houses, both are about a block from the elementary school and a few blocks from the High School. 1 of them is about $20K less than the other...and is the one that I like the best~online~ so we are hoping to see them while we are down there in a couple of weeks.

Our hopes are that Jason won't have a start date till May...don't know if they will hold off that long, but we are hoping. That way we could purchase a house, he could move into it with a few belongings. While he is there and we are here I am hoping that he will paint (not his favorite thing to do AT ALL) and fix up any thing that needs to be done. After the kids get out of school we would then all move down there the first week or so of June...it feels SO far away, but actually looking at the calendar...it's not a whole lot of time. WOW...my life is possibly changing...will it be better?? We shall see~~

Anyone know of anyone that is looking to purchase a house???????? :)

San Antonio

2010-01-16T21:44:00.003-06:00

Yep, that's right...Jason got a job offer in San Antonio. We will be heading down to check out the city, look at houses, and for Jason to meet to talk about numbers, etc. It's not a definite move yet, but it is something that we as a family are considering. They are paying to fly us all down and will pay all of our expenses while we are down there. He is the only candidate right now for the job, 50% more pay, etc., etc.

Do I want to move?? Absolutely not. I have put my foot down on this for the last 2.5 months that he's talked about it. I haven't talked about it with him, I have ignored him when he's talked about it, I have basically been a complete "*itch" about it. I DON'T want to leave my Mom. I know...I'm 37 years old, it's time to grow up, blah, blah, blah. After everything that she's gone through and thinking last August when we found out that her cancer was back and that she might die...No WAY do I want to leave. She is my best friend (besides Jason), she is my rock, my hero, the person that I look up to the most in the world. I love her more than I can even say. When I told Becca about the possibility of moving, the first thing out of her mouth was: "Gee-ma will love living in Texas with us". How do I pull my kids away from their grandparents, their Aunts and Uncles, cousins, etc. How?? I don't know how to do it?

There is a possibility of Jason getting a tenure track position here at the U of I, but with all of the hiring freezes, budgets, etc....we won't know for a while. He has A LOT of people on his side here, and they are all trying their hardest to get him on here. The process here has started and 1 of his advisors is meeting with 1 of the Deans on tuesday...so that's good news. Best case scenerio is that he gets on here at the U of I...the whole situation would be a non-situation then.

I love my husband and I really want him to do what he wants for the rest of his life. If San Antonio can give him that...then I need to allow him to do it. We will have to make it work. Frequent flyer miles, lots of miles on the vehicles, Lots of long distance phone calls, LOTS of money, etc., etc. Pray for us and send us positive thoughts!! Whatever is meant to be will be!!!

Becca's family party

2010-01-10T11:51:00.003-06:00

Ready for her party!!

So, yesterday we had Becca's party with family. We had deli sandwiches, chips, fruit, cake and ice cream. It was a lot of fun...and the food was SO good. Becca also had her friend Grace over to play with, so she had a good time. She got A LOT of wonderful presents and had a good time visiting with everyone. And to top it off...the Illini WON!!! Here are a few pics from the night.

Becca and Grace

American Girl Rebecca that she has WANTED

Easy Bake oven

My beautiful 7 year old Daughter!!!

James' birthday party

2010-01-04T11:42:00.004-06:00

On Saturday we had James' birthday party with family and friends. It was a great night. We had pizza, breadsticks, cake, ice cream and drinks. James enjoyed everyone being here, got some great presents and had a good time playing. Jason and I had a good time "hanging" out at home with our wonderful friends and family!! Here are a few pics and I'll try to upload a video...it's cute!!

Cheesin' for the camera!!

Opening presents with great concentration

He got "tickets" otherwise known as money

More presents

Wearing his "Wobble Goggles"...from Imagination Movers

Wearing his goggles like Scott does on Imagination Movers

Fake smile with his cake

Blowing out candles

Both kids have their birthdays this week so we will be celebrating at home with just us and Gee-ma and Papa, and then Becca's family party is next Saturday with her kid party on the 16th...busy time here at the O'Connor house. :)

Onto Birthday Parties...

2009-12-29T23:11:00.003-06:00

Christmas is over and now we are onto birthday parties!!! James will be 3 on January 6th and Becca will be 7 on January 7th (her golden birthday). I don't have babies anymore...it's so SAD!!! We are going to celebrate just us as a family on their actual birthdays and then each one will have their individual birthday party with family/friends and Becca will have an extra party for her and her friends. It is a busy month, but it is so wonderful celebrating my MIRACLES. Every year about this time I remember the words out of the Doctors mouths and the Geneticist's mouth "you should look into adoption or Donor eggs". Yep, that's what they said. Look at us now...we are celebrating birthdays. OMG...what would I do if we would have stopped trying...I wouldn't have these 2 beautiful children. Well, I'd better get off and keep planning these parties and maybe post some Christmas pics. Happy New Year to you all!!!!

Random O'Connor things

2009-12-07T23:14:00.002-06:00

So, this past weekend Jason went up to Chicago for a meeting, and I stayed home with the kids. Friday night I took them to the mall, they love going there, so this was a treat. Becca loves eating at the Food Court, so we ate, rode the carousel, rode the escalator, saw Santa, and bought a couple of gifts. Quite an exciting night. Saturday we drove up to Gibson City and went to Strictly Kids to look for snow boots for Becca (I just can't pay $30 full price for a pair of boots that she will wear maybe 10 times). We ate lunch at McDonald's then came home to do some laundry, wrap some presents, etc. We went out for dinner at Culver's and ran to Rural King since we were out of dog food. Sunday we went to a Christmas party at the VFW. They had lunch and presents for the kids, so it was a fun/busy day. Went and visited my mom for a bit- she was down and out for the weekend with a flu bug (we think). Jason got home about 6:30 on Sunday, we went out for dinner with him and then home to put the kids to bed. This was one of the first weekends that I can remember that we had absolutely NOTHING to do...and man was it wonderful.

Today I went to Springfield with Mom for a followup. The Dr. said she can go back to work whenever she is ready...this was VERY exciting for her. I think she is planning on going back after the first of the year. Her job duties are going to have to change since she is not allowed to lift anything, and I hope they allow her to do this. We have to go back over on Friday to see the radiation oncologist so that they can go over radiation, what will happen, etc. She will do radiation here in Champaign, so that is a good thing. It will be about 6 weeks long, monday-friday, similar to what she did the last time. She is doing SO well, I am so impressed with her. She is an amazing person!!!

What is up with the kids...well Bradley is doing OK. He is doing OK in school...could be better, but you can't tell him anything. Becca is 6 going on 16. She drives me CRAZY most days, and her and I go round and round often. James is quite the talker. Nonstop talking all the time!!!

I go in on Thursday to have a mass looked at by the general surgeon...who knows maybe I will get surgery for Christmas!!! :) We'll see!!!

Not much else happening...sorry for the long delay in posts. :)

Busy Weekend

2009-11-08T21:54:00.004-06:00

So, I got home on Thursday from Springfield, thanks to my Mom's wonderful Best Friend Becky Jane, who came over and stayed with mom. I worked Thursday and Friday, and then friday after work, we decided to take the kids to see "Where the wild things are", but James had a terrible cough so I left early with him. He was running a fever when we got home, so Jason called the Patient Advisory Nurse who said she thought what he had sounded like viral bronchitis, so we gave him some tylenol, corn syrup(for kids under 6 they can take that to help with the coughing), bought a humidifier for their room, and a cool bath. Becca and I ran over to the Assembly Hall to the Cris Cringle Craft Show and got a few presents for others and for ourselves, then we went to Steak-n-Shake for dinner, it was a good "girls" night out.

Saturday, Jason took James to the Dr. to have his ear looked at, it has been draining for over 10 days, even after 7 days of ear drops. He has infections in both ears, so he is now on oral antibiotics and 7 more days of ear drops. Poor baby!!!! I did NOTHING all day. I think I finally took a shower around 5pm, and then we went to McAllisters for dinner and a quick trip to Sam's. After that we came home and my Uncle and cousin came over and we played Band Hero for a couple of hours...it was a LOT of fun!!

Sunday, Jason and the kids went to CCD and James and I stayed home and started cleaning. I had 3 things on my list to get done: garage clean so the van will fit in it, van cleaned, and pictures of the kids at the park. We got 2 out of 3 done, so that's not too bad. The van can be cleaned out pretty easily...but I am ECSTATIC about the van fitting back in the garage!!!!! :) We then had dinner, got the kids showered and in bed, and are now relaxing in front of the TV and computer!!! Yeah!!! It was a productive day...and laundry even got done!! WOW!!!

Here are some pictures of the kids:

Heading back to Springfield tomorrow...hope everyone has a GREAT week!!!!

Home Sweet Home

2009-10-27T20:23:00.002-05:00

Well, 3 weeks ago tonight we were coming over to Springfield for my Mom's surgery. Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 weeks. We are in the home stretch...the Dr's are saying they are going to let her go home Thursday or Friday. I don't think I've seen such a big smile on her face as when they said that for a long time. She is SO ready to go home.

These 3 weeks have put a lot of things in perspective for me. When faced with a life/death situation (I know her situation wasn't necessarily life/death right now, but if she would have decided to do nothing...it would have been death), you really think about things and realize how some things are so important to you, while others that you thought were important, really aren't. My kids and Jason are the most important part of my life, I have missed being with them and seeing them everyday. My mom has to be the next most important thing. Before her surgery I kept thinking of all of the what-if's...what-if she dies, what-if she's not here to see her grandkids grow up, what-if the Dr's screw up, etc. I had a hard time of thinking about the "when this is over with and she's fine" details. I was scared, I cried, I screamed, I showed more emotion than I had in a long time. Has my mom's life changed? Oh yeah. Has she changed? No. She is still the most caring, loving, compassionate person I have ever met.

I wish I was able to stay home everyday with my kids. I wish I didn't have to work or that we made more money so that this could be a possibility. I love what I do and I love our participants, it just sucks to know that I only see my kids/family maybe 3-4 hours out of a day. I hate that!! I want to raise our children, and right now other people are. You can't make-up all that time you missed out on during the weekend...it's not possible. During these last 3 weeks, I have missed a lot of time with my kids. Do I regret my decision to be here with my mom...absolutely not...I would do it all again. We are just ready to go home, and be a family again!!!

Hopefully on thursday or friday we will be headed to: Home Sweet Home!!!

Mom's surgery

2009-10-10T06:00:00.003-05:00

Wednesday, October 7th, had to have been the longest day of my life.

Katie and I didn't go to the hospital with my Mom and Kent, we showered and then headed over and got there about 6:00am. She was in the pre-op room already, so we just hung out in there and watched some TV while the Dr's came in to see her. They took her back at 7:30 and said they would call us with updates.

We went down to the surgical waiting room and waited for the first phone call. The nurse called at 8:30 and said that she was under, her body was prepped and they were starting the first part of the surgery. Dr. Johnson had told us the first part would be checking the lymph nodes in the groin and up near her kidney. If the nodes up near her kidney were cancerous he would cancel the surgery, that would have meant that the cancer had spread too much. We waited and waited on that phone call telling us if the surgery was continuing. About 10:30 the nurse called back and said that Dr. Johnson was almost done with his part: hysterectomy/vulvectomy. I asked about the lymph nodes and the nurse said that he had taken about 6 nodes out and all he knew was 1 was positive and 1 was negative. I asked where the positive one was and explained about how Dr. Johnson had said he would cancel the surgery if 1 was positive...he said it must all be good because he went ahead with surgery. That was the biggest relief of the day.

We got phone calls from the nurses every 2 hours for the rest of the day. Each of the Doctors except Dr. Johnson had come out after their part and said how well surgery was going and they were very pleased with how well she was handling it. About 5:00 the nurse called and said Dr. Johnson was finishing up and he thought he would be done by 6:30. Well, 6:30 came and went and then of course we went into panic mode again. At 7:30 (12 hours of surgery) Dr. Johnson came out and said "Divine intervention was on her side today, she did Great!!" I don't think he thought that the nodes around her kidneys had cancer in them, but I think it was in the back of his mind that they might. We then waited another 2 hours till they got her moved up to ICU, then we headed up there to tell her we loved her and we would see her in the morning. She was alert and shook her head after we each told her how great she did and that we loved her.

I always knew my mom was strong, and this proved how much!! I am so proud of her and SO glad that the cancer is out of her body and we are on the road to recovery. I love her SO much!!!

Life and how important it is...

2009-09-22T21:31:00.002-05:00

When someone gets sick it makes you realize how short or how fast things can change in your life. The people that you care about the most can be gone in the blink of an eye. When my mom got the news that her cancer was back and the Doctors didn't call us back about her CT scan, all I could think of was, "Is this the last birthday my mom will be here for?", "Will she be here for Christmas?", etc. It scared me. I want her here for me and for my kids, is that selfish?? At times I feel very selfish...I want my mom, and I want her healthy, I want her to see my kids graduate from school, I want her here to see them get married, I want her here to see her great grandkids. Why am I being selfish??

I sit back and wonder what is she going through?? How hard is this going to be on her? Is she ever going to leave her house after she gets done with the surgery and heals? Will she feel comfortable emptying her bags out in public? My questions go on and on... I want her to be happy, healthy, and I want her to want to live. My Dad died before I was born, I was raised by my single mother. We lived with my Grandparents till I was 5, and then she bought her house (that she is still living in), we lived together for 3 years in our house till she married my step-dad. I feel that I got screwed...I never called my step-dad "Dad", he wasn't, my Dad was gone...I hated that. My mom is such a STRONG woman that I know she will get through all of this, she has gone through so much in her life...and it's not FAIR that she has to deal with all of this Cancer crap!!!

Why is cancer all around us? Why do we all know someone that has beat it, going through treatment, or has died because of it?? Why can't we predict the future?? I know a lot of these questions are open ended, and they don't have answers...I just wish someone could answer some of them!!! Hug, kiss and tell all of your loved ones that you LOVE them...you never know when you may not be able to say that again!! I love you all...my family and friends...I'm glad that I have you here in my life.

R.I.P Duh

2009-09-09T22:34:00.003-05:00

When I was in college I got dog, and then I quit school, and started working at a Vet Clinic. Along with that came an abundance of animals. At 1 time I had 2 dogs (Kirby and Buddy) and 2 cats (Roscoe and Frisco). I was working at a group home also in Charleston at the same time I was working at the Vet Clinic, and a friend of mine was moving apartments and couldn't keep her cat..."Duh", and she asked me if he could live with me for a while till she was able to take him to her parents. Well, months later I moved back to Urbana, and "Duh" came with me along with my menagerie of other animals.

I didn't name him...but MAN I love his name...I love that cat...and I will miss him greatly!!! He lived about 4 years longer than any of the other cats we had, and he has enjoyed himself being the "only cat" for the last 4 years. The last few months he has tried "escaping" as much as he could. He would squeeze out our garage door and "hang out" outside. He NEVER did this before...so it was a bit weird. Oh well...whatever made him happy!!

So, now we are a "dog-only" family...weird!!! I don't know if we will stay this way, or if we will get another cat sometime...I guess time will tell!!!

R.I.P Duh...we love you!!!

Life....

2009-09-01T22:39:00.002-05:00

Somedays I just want to crawl in my bed and hide out for the entire day, week, month, year. Somedays I want to cry my eyes out. Somedays I don't want to talk to anyone. Somedays I want to scream my head off at anyone who will listen. Somedays I want to hold onto my kids and never let go (only they won't let me do that anymore). Somedays...Somedays....Somedays...

First Day of School Pictures

2009-08-26T21:39:00.005-05:00

Becca getting ready to leave for school with ALL of her supplies.

Becca finding her name on the door of her classroom.

Her desk

James with his backpack, ready to leave for school.

Walking down the hallway to his classroom.

Playing with the cars in his classroom.

Drawing Mommy a picture.

No pictures of Bradley..."he's too old" for that!!! What's a Mom to do??

Back to the Why!!

2009-08-23T21:58:00.002-05:00

So, my mom's cancer is back...why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? I just don't understand, the 1 person in the whole world that would give up everything she had for anyone in the world. How does this happen to that person? My mom is my best friend, and I am SO scared that something bad is going to happen to her. I don't know what to think, what to do, and what to say. Just...why??

We go this week for a CT scan and to meet 2/4 doctors that are going to do her surgery. She is going to have a VERY invasive surgery that will leave her without function of 2 bodily functions. She will have a colostomy bag and possibly a bag for urine, or a permenant catheter that she will have to clip/unclip when she needs to empty her bladder. Hopefully once the surgery is over they will have gotten enough "margin", but if not...she will have to do chemo. OMG!! Her surgery is suppose to be 10-12 hours, how do I sit in that hospital for that long?? She will be over in Springfield for probably 1-2 weeks recovering, how do I sit over there and watch her in pain?? Then when she comes home she will be home recovering for months, how do I help her?? What do I do??

Why does this have to be happening?? Why??

Do you ever wonder "why"??

2009-07-29T10:41:00.002-05:00

This morning has been one of those mornings where I have been thinking a lot about "Why??" Why are we were we are right now? Why do I go to work everyday?? Why do I worry about what others think? Why do we never get a break?? Why is Bradley's spine curving, and he might have scoliosis? Why is he the way he is? Why does he still sneak?? Why is Becca so much like me, it's scary? Why does she continue to have ear infections and will they replace her tubes?? Why does she act 13 already?? Why is James here? (Not that I wish he wasn't, it's just we went through SO much to get Becca here and did so much once I was pregnant to keep her safe, and we didn't do ANY of it with James...it makes me wonder Why?) Why is he the cutest, smartest 2 year old I know?? Why did God want 7 of my babies before we were ready to give them to him?? Why are we living in Champaign still? Why are we in my Grandma's house? Why is Jason still trying to get a job so we can stay here? Why do I love my husband, but have a hard time showing it? Why do I get so upset with him and hold grudges? Why do I have crazy ups and downs? Why?? Why?? Why??

I have many more...but don't have all day to sit here and ponder them all. Oh well...that's where my mind is right now!!!! :)

Swimming lessons...my girl can tread water!!

2009-07-22T21:31:00.003-05:00

So this is the 7th day of Becca's swim lessons, and she is doing so well. She still doesn't have the arm motions, and she doesn't like her face in the water, but overall is doing really well. Yesterday she treaded water for a FULL minute, did a FANTASTIC dive into the 12 feet, and her back stroke is looking better every day. Here are a few pictures!!!

Homemade Laundry Detergent

2009-07-21T21:57:00.002-05:00

I just got done making homemade laundry detergent...I am SO excited about this. I found a recipe for "liquid" detergent and planned on making that, but then found one today on a "powder" form, and decided to go that route. All the comments on the recipe (162 positive ones), talked about how wonderful it is, how easy it is to make, and how wonderful your clothes smell and feel. The best part is if you make the large batch, it should last a long time since you only use 1-2 Tablespoons per load. I have been wanting to do it for a while now, so on my way home I stopped by the store to see if they had the ingredients and they did, so I made it!! I have a load in...so I'll post how well it did after it gets done washing and drying!!! No more big plastic bottles of detergent, color safe bleach, fabric softener, etc. for me!! Yeah!!!!

Randomness....

2009-07-17T22:14:00.003-05:00

This week:
- I got a new washer this week for our 11th anniversary!!
- James got into all-day Preschool, starting in August.
- Bradley just finished FCA camp...and really enjoyed himself.
- Bought Becca's school supplies, still have to get Bradley's
- worked 4 days this week, have to work tomorrow 2-11, taking a group to a pool party in Decatur.
- Played softball this week and won.
- Becca had swim lessons this week and next. She LOVES the water!!
- Quincy (the dog) was sick again this week...ugh...pets!!!

Future:
- School registration in 18 days.
- I start working monday-friday August 24th.
- James starts all day preschool on August 24th
- Not looking forward to August 24th.
- Bradley and Becca start school August 20th.
- Going to the Drive in on Thursday to see "Harry Potter"
- Doing lots of laundry...just because I like to use my new washer. :)
- trying to clean house thoroughly so that it is CLEAN...and easier to keep clean.
- Enjoying my family, because I realize everyday how lucky I am to be able to share their lives.

That's what's gone on and what will be going on!!! Have a fabulous weekend!!!!

James and Preschool

2009-07-09T22:29:00.002-05:00

So, James got into all day preschool!! Yeah!! It is about 9 months earlier than we really needed, but if we waited we may not have a spot when we needed it in May 2010. So, he is going to First Methodist in Downtown Champaign. I was very excited when I got the call today. My mom took Becca and James to Toys r Us to get their new backpacks...James could not decide. He had a Handy Manny, Spiderman, Wonder Pets, Backyardigans, Mickey Mouse, Cars, etc, etc, etc...he finally chose Cars and got a lunch box too (he won't use it, but it was free). He is very excited about going to Preschool at his own school, not Becca's old school, or Grace's preschool. We go visit on Monday, so I'm going to take pictures of him there and post.

Even though today was a relief to know that he got in, I did have to tell Belinda, and that was very hard. She has watched our kids since they (Becca and James) were both 6 weeks old. So, I did pretty good telling her, but then called her back to tell her I'm sorry for breaking the news on the phone, talked to Tod and found out that she cried when she got home...so I started sobbing after I got off the phone with him. I know James is ready for preschool, and I know that this will be a positive thing for him...but it was still VERY hard. I'm glad that our families are such good friends, so we will "hang out" often!!

So a bittersweet moment that was going to happen sometime, has happened!!!

2009-06-28T00:14:00.001-05:00

Happy Father's Day to Jason!!!

2009-06-21T16:34:00.003-05:00

Jason-
Happy Father's Day!! I just want to Thank You for being a wonderful Dad to our 3 kids. Looking back I never thought we would be where we are today, but yet here we are with 3 wonderful kids living a great life with our family and our friends. I grew up without my Dad, and watching you with our kids reminds me everyday what I missed out on. If my Dad was here today I think he would love you and be proud to call you his son-in-law. I love seeing their eyes light up when you walk into the room, them yelling "Hi Daddy!! Hi Daddy!!", and them crying at night for you to "save them"(from all the "scary" things in their rooms). You are an unbelievable Father and Husband. Thank you for all that you do for our family!!! I also know that we have 7 angels in Heaven looking down on us and watching over us everyday. I love you more than you can ever possibly know and our kids love you too!!! Happy Father's Day

-Kim, Bradley, Becca and James

Vacation is right around the corner

2009-06-06T00:05:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been waiting and waiting and waiting on something and it feels like it will never come? That's exactly how I and Jason have been feeling for quite a while now. I am SO proud of us for not telling the kids about Disney...I never thought I would be able to do it, but here we are 2 1/2 days away from heading up to Chicago and boarding a plane with our family to go to Disney...WOW!!! I have been using the internet A LOT about tips, packing, planning, etc. and I am finally here and ready to go. Tonight I packed James' clothes, diapers, wipes, shoes and Becca's clothes, shoes and my clothes. I was hoping to have the bags packed in the trunk of the car, so the kids don't see them. I think the next few days are going to be the hardest. My mom is going to take the kids for an hour or so on Sunday so that I can do some packing, and they are going to Belinda's on Monday morning so we can run the dogs to the kennel and pack the car. OMG...it's almost here!!! I'll keep you updated on the progress of our departure!!! We'll see if we can keep it a secret...who knows!!!

Disney

2009-05-27T00:04:00.003-05:00

2 weeks from right now...I will be sleeping at Disney!!! I am having a VERY hard time keeping it to myself. Jason and I are trying our best...only 13 more days and the FUN will begin!!! :)

Touchin the trucks!!!

2009-05-20T22:41:00.003-05:00

Took James over to "Touch a truck" day at the park...he wasn't too sure about it. The horns and sirens were a bit much for him. I think he was a bit overwhelmed also with the people, noise, etc. I did get a couple of cute pictures of him, but only had my phone camera, so by the time it took he wasn't looking at me anymore, or smiling. Oh well!! Hope everyone is having a good week!!!

The fire truck was a big hit!!!

Sitting in the tire of the Monster Truck

Driving the "Digger"

Sitting on the school bus!!

Week in review...

2009-05-17T00:42:00.002-05:00

Becca had a game on Monday, so we rode bikes to the game...which was the first bike ride of the summer...FUN!! She did lose her game, but got a hit...I owe her ice cream and she hasn't reminded me...WOW!! Tuesday, her and I went shopping for some presents for friends and teachers, Wednesday her game got cancelled, so she went to Gymnastics while I was at work late. Thursday I had to work late and then play softball, so Jason and the kids came out for my game...we lost. Friday, Storms, Storms and more Storms...not much more to say. Today I worked, the kids played inside and outside, Becca went over to my Mom's, Bradley mowed, James and I went and got our hair cut and then we went over to my mom's for dinner. Overall...pretty boring week.

I'm still surprised...the kids have 5 days of school this coming week, 4 the following week, and then 2 1/2 days, and then they are out for the summer. My kids will be in 8th grade and 1st grade next year, and my baby will most likely be going to an all day preschool...OMG...what will I do???

Well, next week doesn't look any more exciting...but I'll let you know!!! Have a good one!!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

As you can see, my Mother's Day present was a new family picture. We started doing this last year, and I hope to do it every year. I enjoy seeing how much our family changes over the year. Since the last picture, Bradley has grown about a foot, Becca has lost MANY teeth, and James has gotten a haircut. There are many more differences too, but too many to list.

I did get to sleep in today, the house was quiet until 9:30...that's really late for us. Jason and James went to get the paper and some donuts, then we just lounged around the house all morning. We ran up to "Do-it-Best" and got annuals to plant out front and then went to lunch with my Sister and BIL and my MOM. After lunch Becca had a game, which was much better than the last 2 games we have played. Of course she got a hit...so off to Marble Slab we went, then home to plant flowers, take my MOM her present and then home to put kids in bed for the night...busy, busy day.

I have reflected some on the day, and thought I would share: When Jason and I got married I could not wait to start having babies, when I had my first miscarriage my doubts of having a family started to go downhill. Thankfully they did a D/C so that they could test chromosomes...this is something that they usually don't do for a first miscarriage, but our doctor asked if we wanted to and we said "I guess so". This was when we found out that the baby had a trisomy. They wanted to test Jason and I to find out if one of us was a carrier, so we did that, and found out that I have a balanced Robertsonian translocation of the 14/15 chromosomes. They also ran some tests and found out that I had PCOS (this is what Kate has from "Jon and Kate + 8), so getting pregnant and keeping the baby was going go be quite difficult for us. Talk about feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders...I thought we would never have kids because of "me"...and I hated that feeling. We got pregnant again, and had another miscarriage. In the middle of all of these miscarriages we changed insurance carriers, so I started going to Carle and that's when we got involved with the RE department. We got pregnant again and had another miscarriage. After a long talk with the RE and the Perinatologist we were quite frustrated and our hopes of having a family were going downhill...FAST. We decided to try AI, the next month we were able to try again. We started all of the meds/shots, and got pregnant with Rebecca. I don't think I have been as scared as I was those first 12-14 weeks of that pregancy. Because of all of the miscarriages we got to go in every 2 weeks for ultrasounds and at 17 weeks we got a Level 2 ultrasound...and at each of them she was growing the way she was suppose to. After that ultrasound we didn't have another until 32 weeks...that was a long 15 weeks, when you had been able to see her every 2 for so long. So we were blessed with Becca on 1/7/03.

During that whole time trying and trying to have a baby we started the adoption process because we thought for sure that we were never going to have a baby. I know, I know...once you adopt you will get pregnant...and guess what...it worked for us (not that we were adopting only for that reason...I just wanted to be a MOM). Bradley came to live with us in June 2002 and was adopted May 28, 2003. And oh boy was he a handful!! 6 years old and a boy...what were we in for??!! NO...really he's a good kid...he just has his moments.

So...we decided we wanted to try again and got pregant on our own. Miscarriage. We then decided to do AI again, miscarriage. And we did AI again, miscarriage. Finally I said...enough is enough...this is going to have to be OUR FAMILY...the 4 of us. Well, that thought didn't last too long and I decided that I really did want to have 1 more. Since we did AI with Rebecca I knew the exact day that she was conceived...and that day was going to be coming up in my next cycle...so we tried this time on our own...and got pregnant. We decided against doing all of the "medical" stuff, so no shots, no progesterone, no meds...if it was meant to be it would be OK. We were blessed again...with James on 1/6/07. After James was born...I had my tubes tied...and NOW we are a family of 5. It was a LONG road and one that I will never forget and I hope no one ever has to go through what we went through.

One thing that helps me deal with all of this is, that I have 6 girls and 1 boy up in heaven looking down on me and our family every day. I was blessed with the understanding that life sucks sometimes...but in the end...God has his reasons for everything, and no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt...God knew what he was doing...and he has made me cherish my kids and my family more than I would have without all of the issues we had to deal with. My dad died 2 months before I was born, and I know right now he is watching his 7 grandchildren up in heaven and that gives me the strength to go on everyday!!

Being a MOM is the best thing in the world and I owe it all to GOD!! Thank you!!

Becca and baseball

2009-05-06T19:49:00.003-05:00

So, Becca had her first game this week (I forgot the camera for the first game), her team isn't very good, but the coaches are good and the kids have fun...isn't that what's important. She did get 1 hit, stopped a ball, and got the game ball...yes...it did go to her head!! However they lost!!

Today she had her 2nd game (against Leah), and she hit the ball right to 1st base and got out, the second time she got up she did not get a hit. Definitely was not their best game, they have a lot of learning to do. Their team is very young, and I don't think they "fully" understand the game. It's fun to watch and cheer on their "small" accomplishments though. Here's some pics from tonights game....ENJOY!!!

James and the Orpheum Children's Museum

2009-04-21T15:32:00.003-05:00

Sat around the house most of the day. After lunch tried thinking of something to do...decided to take James to the Orpheum. Becca had been there before on a couple of fieldtrips, but we had never been there before. So...off we went...we had about an hour and a half to play before we had to be home for the other 2 to get home from school. I think James could have played for about another hour or so...he was NOT happy to leave. Here are some pictures from our afternoon...it was FUN!!

How do I catch this ball???

Playing in the sand...such concentration.

Peek-a-boo!!

Oooh...sand!!

The water is FUN!!

Is the weekend over already??

2009-04-19T19:26:00.002-05:00

So, the weekend came and went...I can't believe it. I worked yesterday and Jason took the kids the library to see Superwhy, which is James' favorite cartoon. However, in person he was not a fan. He liked him from a distance, but no so much face to face. Wish I could have been there to see it. We sold our Barbie Jeep and bought an Escalade (Power wheels) for the kids. James was VERY excited about his new "truck". Becca didn't get a chance to ride in it till today, but she was very happy with the trade...the new truck "goes SO much faster"...she was very happy with that.

Today it rained...and rained...and rained. It was a very lazy day around the house. We did go out to lunch at Taco Bell (kids' choice) and then came home for naps. Becca had baseball practice from 4-5, and is VERY excited about baseball and is ready for her first game (at least she thinks she is). I am going to run to Wal-mart later tonight after everyone is in bed and get some of the things that we need.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am off, however I am going to my program tomorrow night at Papa Del's...YUM!!! So, I have a few more days off...which will be nice!! I have a lot that I could do around the house, but don't have the "want" to do it. Oh well...it will be there when I do.

I hope everyone has a GREAT week!!! Bring on the warmer temps!!!

Easter Weekend

2009-04-12T22:47:00.003-05:00

So, we spent the better part of the weekend cleaning inside the house and the play area in the backyard. It felt good to clean the whole house (except our bedroom, and the basement)...those are my next challenges. So, we woke up this morning and the kids got their Easter baskets, and then hunted for eggs around the house.

Then it was off to the races to get to church on time. We did make it, but had to take 2 cars and I left right after communion...James had, had enough. After church we came home and the kids hunted for eggs outside with the neighbors (4th annual egg hunt with 4 families). After that it was a bit of down time and we just picked up the odds and ends around the house.eggs in our yard and the 3 yards across the street...LOTS of eggs!!

Neighborhood hunt

My mom and step-dad, Jason's mom and sister, Katie and Troy and Troy's dad came over for dinner. It was 12 of us...and it was really nice. We had A LOT of food, and will have plenty of leftovers for a LONG time. The kids got presents from both grandma's and Aunt Katie...can I call them spoiled?? :) After everyone left we ran over to my mom's and the kids got their Easter baskets over there and hunted for more "candy filled" eggs!!! OMG we will be eating chocolate eggs and candy till Halloween!!!

Came home, kids got their PJ's on, brushed their sugar coated teeth, and went to bed!! BUSY DAY!!

Getting ready for Easter!!

2009-04-11T00:17:00.003-05:00

So, we are hosting Easter at our house...this means LOTS of cleaning. It's been a while since we did a "real" clean, so it's a bit nasty right now. My mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law, Mother-in-law, sister-in-law, cousins, and anyone else that I am forgetting will be here. It should be lots of fun!!

We are going to try and get the kids to the Easter Egg hunt in the morning at West Side park. Hopefully I will get some good pictures!! After that Becca has a birthday party at The Little Gym that she is excited about. Then over to my parents for dinner. Pretty busy day tomorrow.

I have the next 4 days off, so hopefully I can go through some closets, get mine and Bradley's summer clothes out, and hopefully get down to the basement to work on it for a bit. We'll see...I have BIG dreams!!

Have a great weekend and I will post Easter pictures soon!!!

We really are still alive!!!

2009-03-19T22:59:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been almost a month since I posted last. Sorry!! What's been going on...

Bradley- had a 90 minute meeting at school that pretty much was exactly what we expected. We had gotten his new "diagnosis" so we thought we would be able to get his IEP back with an "ED" diagnosis. Yeah...he didn't get it. I have not been so pissed off for a long time. He is SO behind in social skills (he has no friends, has never gone to a birthday party, doesn't talk about anybody at school, etc)...he really needs some social skills training. They are going to modify his 504, which I just about laughed my ass off when I heard them say this. He is suppose to have already been getting social skills training...they are just going to work at it a bit harder. Are you serious?? My biggest fear is that he has 1 year left before he goes to high school, and then he will pretty much get lost in the crowd. It is so important to help him RIGHT NOW, there isn't 1 person on his "team" that could look at me and tell me that they think he will be OK. UGH...Unit 4 school district SUCKS when you have a child that has a disability, but doesn't have a BIG enough disability. You can only advocate for your child for so long before you just get tired of getting screwed over.

Becca- had her parent teacher conference tonight. She is reading at a middle of the year 1st grader (she's in kindergarten). Her math skills are VERY high also. Her only problem right now is that she is being a bit defiant. She gets up from carpet time and goes over to the sink or her cubby or wherever she wants when she is not suppose to. She always has an excuse to have gotten up, but it's never a "real" reason. I am wondering if she is bored. We talked about it a lot tonight when we got home, so we will see if Spring Break will help.

James- is pooping pretty much all the time on the potty. He asks to go sit on his potty and he also asks to go to the bathroom when we are out at restaurants or wherever else. Peeing is another story...he doesn't have that "feeling" under control yet. He did get into Faithful Friends preschool next year, in the 5 day program, so we are pretty excited about that. I think it will be really good for him to be around kids his own age.

I am still enjoying my van...and it's clean...which is even better. We are going to High School Musical on ice tomorrow night!!! We are also going to try to go to the free movie on Saturday morning. Sunday we are driving down to my grandma's in southern illinois. Next Friday we are going up to Arlington Heights to a waterpark/hotel with the Courtneys. The kids are very excited about this. I am excited about going to IKEA!!!

Nothing else really going on here. Work, work, and more work!!! Hope all is well with everyone...have a GREAT Spring Break!!

Randomness....

2009-02-23T00:32:00.002-06:00

Well, it has definitely been a while since I posted last. What's been up?? It doesn't feel like too much...the big highlight is we got a new (to us) van. Yes, we traded in our 10 year old van...finally!!! 2008 Grand Caravan, and I love it!!!

We also joined the Fitness Center as a family. We are hoping to go 3-4 days a week, Becca and James go to the playroom, and seem to really like it. I went twice last week...I know...I didn't do accomplish my "goal". This week I will have to go 4-5 times. I did the elliptical once and the bike once, along with weights. I would also like to do some of the classes that they offer, only I have never done anything like that before...and I feel really self-conscious, but we'll see!!

The kids are doing well. James has had a terrible cold this weekend, running a fever, nasty stuff dripping out of his ear, etc. Other than that...it was a good weekend...LAZY and not a whole lot got done, but a good weekend none the less.

My co-workers and I went out for dinner and a movie, and saw "He's just not that into you"...I think that was the name...it was the first time in as long as I can remember that I went to a movie after 7pm, with adults only!!! It was a lot of fun!!! It's nice to have co-workers that get along and enjoy being around each other.

Well, I guess I will go on with my "boring" life...I guess it's kind of nice being "boring". You don't have to get so bent out of shape with all of the big things that go on in life!!! Have a good week!!!

What's been up??

2009-02-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted last...sorry!! Not a whole lot has been going on.

Work, work, and more work...and it doesn't look like it's going to get a whole lot better. It's going to be a long week or so with all of the things that are "due" in the near future...UGH!!

The kids have been great. James is talking SO much. He has a couple of books that we have read a lot and he will then sit on the couch and "reread" it...it is so funny...he has them pretty much memorized...how old is he again...2??? Becca is still loving school, hasn't missed a single day (knock on wood), and we are going to have lunch with her tomorrow...she's more excited that James is eating with her than Jason and I...oh well. Bradley is still Bradley...still sneaking things to his room, lying, talking back...what to do?? We have NO idea.

Jason's birthday is on Tuesday. My mom is going to watch the kids so we can go out and get some dinner...I don't know where we are going...it will just be nice to go out for "dinner" alone. He is going to be 32...wow...he's old...just teasing!!

The dogs have been sick, finishing up their last day of antibiotics, they had some infection in their intestines...yuck...diarrhea, vomit...what more can I say...I'm just glad they are feeling better!!!

We have enjoyed the wonderful weather this weekend. I opened up the windows on Saturday and aired out the house...it was so refreshing!! We went for a couple of walks, and tried spending as much time outside as we could...can't wait for spring!!!

Here's a picture of James we took last weekend...thought it was pretty cute!!!

Girl Scout Cookies anyone??

2009-01-28T21:51:00.001-06:00

We have to turn in our order form this Saturday...let me know if you want any!!! $3.50/box!!! Yum Yum!!!

Disney...anyone??? Yes...The O'Connor's

2009-01-27T23:57:00.002-06:00

We are going to Disney!!! I can't believe it!! We are leaving June 9th for 8 days and 7 nights. I can't wait to see the kids' faces when we are there. However, we are going to TRY to not tell the kids till we are in the van on the way up to Chicago to catch our flight!!! I have never been as excited as I am right now...well maybe I have...but this is so exciting!! OK...I'm off to bed...I just had to tell someone!!!

Weekend update

2009-01-19T23:47:00.002-06:00

So, another weekend is over and it had to have been one of the most relaxing, laid back weekends I can remember in a long time. Thursday I stayed home with the kids due to the snow day, and the fact that each of them had a Dr.'s appt. Jason took Bradley to the Orthodontist in the morning and then I took the other 2 over to Carle in Urbana for their yearly appts. James weighs 31 lbs and was 34 inches tall (60% in height and 80% in weight). Becca was 53 lbs and 46 inches tall (60% in height and 80% in weight)...omg they are so alike it's unbelievable. Becca didn't need any shots, so she just got a physical...she was very happy. When the Dr. came in she said she needed to look and see if either of them needed a shot...James piped up and said "I want shot", she told him that she may be able to accomodate that request. He had NO idea what "shot" meant. She looked him over and gave him the clean bill of health, but he did need to get a hepatitis A booster, so when she left the room to get the nurse to do the shot, James started crying again that he wanted a shot. The nurse came in and gave him his shot...he SCREAMED like bloody murder...poor baby!!! Later that night I asked if he wanted a shot...he said "NO SHOT". I think he gets it now. :)

Friday I went to work and the kids went to Belinda's, and then that evening we went to Sam's and over to my mom's for a while. Saturday we did NOTHING, Bradley and I went to Pages for all ages and bought some books and then to Walmart to pick out a new DS game for him, and then back home to watch the end of the Illini game. That evening I went to work for a while and then met the family over at my mom's again. We hung out and talked and had a good time. Sunday, Mom and I went shopping for a while and then Jason, the kids and I went back to Pages to look at books again (they were having a 40% off everything in the store sale) and then back over to Mom's for dinner. Monday we hung out in the house all day and then Becca and I took off to go to the resale shops in town because I had a 50% off coupon for one of them. It was a "mommy monday", and I got the kids some clothes for next winter and a few for James for the summer...REALLY cheap!!

Becca had gymnastics tonight, and she moved up to the "flips" class and did VERY well. She was very nervous that she wouldn't know anyone and she wouldn't be as good, but she was!! She also is in the same class as a friend of hers...which made it even better. We went to Mickey D's for dinner, came home, did baths, and bed!!! Yeah!!

We are ready for another week of work/school...it will be nice that this is a SHORT week!!!! Have a good one!!!

Birthdays are OVER and we made it through!!!

2009-01-13T21:48:00.002-06:00

OK...who said having your kids birthdays a day apart was fun?? It definitely wasn't me. I didn't want them to share the same birthday though, so...I guess I don't have anyone to blame except Jason and I, huh?? :)

We had our last "birthday" party with family this past weekend. It was a lot of fun. Jason's mom/dad/sister/brother and sister-in-law came and my parents/sister and brother-in-law/Uncle and Aunt and cousins/Decka and Noah came. It was fun, hectic, and crowded. I thought the Illini game started at 3:00, so I thought we will have it at 2:00, everyone can get here, get some snacks, open presents, settle in to watch the game and then do cake around halftime. Game started at 2:00, and most all the adults (which was everyone except 4 kids) was busy watching the game. It all worked out OK...the Illini won...not a whole lot of yelling at the TV...it's all good!!!

A couple of funny things that happened during the party came out of Noah's mouth (Sorry Decka...I have to repeat them, they are really cute). Becca opened a bead kit from Grandma/Grandpa O'Connor and Noah said, "I didn't know white girls wore beads!" The room erupted with laughter and Decka's face got VERY red. Then I was trying to figure out one of James' toys and Noah said "Here's how you do it", I said "Don't break it", and then he said "A Man's got to do what a Man's got to do!". I busted up laughing at him!!! He's too cute...and not shy at all!!!

Not a whole lot more is going on...we are leading a VERY boring week, the last 2 were so busy...this is kind of nice!!! Hope everyone has a good week!!!!

HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY REBECCA!!!

2009-01-07T23:25:00.003-06:00

Today was Becca's 6th birthday...I still remember the night she was born...man it was a long night...but definitely worth it. Well, the morning started out good. I listened to the kids on the monitor and Becca waking up "cheery" (not a sound we hear everyday), telling James to tell her "Happy Birthday". It was cute!!! Then a quick morning and dropping James off before taking Becca and her cupcakes to school. After dropping her off, I cried the whole way to the van and the whole drive to work. Why?? Because this was the first year of her entire life that I didn't spend the ENTIRE day with her on her birthday. Is that CRAZY or what??!! I didn't want to miss any of her day, but she had to go to school and I HAD to go to work...oh to have the ability to stay home...the "what-ifs" of life. So, after school, my Uncle picked her up and took her to their house, they bought a cookie cake for her and got her a "small" gift (her "real" present she's getting from them on Saturday). They do TOO much for her...we wonder why she's spoiled!! :) After I picked her up we ran home to let the dogs out and get her gymnastics leotard and then went to Monicals for dinner with my parents and my sister. It was a lot of fun...she even got to eat off of the O'Connor Birthday Plate...she didn't know I brought it from home. Then off to gymnastics and then home for presents and cake. She really liked everything she got, and was not ready for bed...but went pretty easily...I think she was more tired than she thought.

Becca at Monicals eating off the "Birthday Plate"

Opening presents with Gee-ma and Pa-Pa

Opening presents from Gee-ma and Pa-pa

Becca and her cake

Birthday Kids

1 more party...and then we are done for a while!!! I had all of these big plans for 2 big cakes...however after eating cake 3 times this week, and throwing a lot of it away, I'm thinking I may do Rice Krispie treats with sprinkles or a couple big cookies, or something...I'm tired of looking at cake and eating it!! Oh what to do??? Well, hope you are all having a good week!!!

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY JAMES!!!

2009-01-06T21:16:00.003-06:00

Today was James' 2nd birthday...wow, where does the time go?? We got up, he opened 1 present and then we got Becca off to school (finally 2 of the 3 are out of the house again for most of the day). Then we got dressed and headed to Portrait Innovations for pictures. He was in a great, smiling, laughing mood until we walked into the studio and the camera came out. Then all he did was frown and looked very serious...we did get a couple of cute shots though. After pictures we went and got McDonalds and took it to my moms work and had lunch with "Meemaw". We stopped at the resale shop on our way home and got a few things for Becca for spring/summer and then came home to bake a couple of cakes. I got both cakes baked before Bradley and Becca came home from school, then we had to run to Sam's to get her cupcakes for school for her birthday tomorrow. Finally, we got home for the evening and had dinner, "Meemaw" came over, opened the rest of the presents and then had cake and ice cream. He LOVED blowing out the candles, so we had to sing about 6-7 times and let him blow out the candles each time....the things you do when you see your childs face light up. The Courtneys came over and brought James his presents and they visited for a little bit and then it was BEDTIME for everyone. The kids went down about 8:15 and were asleep by 8:25!!!

James, right out of bed with his new chair

Big sister "helping"...notice the shirt...I made it (sorry, Just excited about how "crafty" I am)!!!

New stool...cute shirt!!

Blowing out candles!!

Presents from the Courtney's

Becca is very excited about her birthday tomorrow...I'll post and let you know how that goes...I think it will be a bit busier!!!

1 party down...3 to go!!

2009-01-03T14:31:00.003-06:00

Well, Becca had her "kids" party today, and it seemed to be a success. I stressed about it all night last night and today...but it's done and now we are just relaxing.

Eating lunch

Making their pillowcases to take home

Opening presents

Delaney and Becca in front of her cupcakes (didn't I do a fantastic job decorating them!)

James woke up this morning acting "sick". I know that sounds funny, but he was...kind of. He seemed like he was going to throw up, numerous times, but he never did. No fever, nothing...it just seemed like he was sick...who knows what was up. He did go over to Uncle Rick's for the party...Jason is picking him up, hopefully he was good and is feeling "back to normal". Bradley also went away for the party...he went with Belinda to the U of I Women's game, and isn't home yet, hopefully he was good also.

Becca had a great time at her party...she's running out of gas...she couldn't sleep last night, she was so excited. I think it was about 11:00 before James and her were asleep. The 2 of them sharing a room may not be the best. They seem to feed off of each other. Well, like I said...1 down and 3 more to go!!!

Birthdays and Birthdays...oh my!!

2008-12-31T00:41:00.002-06:00

I can't believe my "baby" will be 2 in 1 week!! Wow, where does the time go?? James also has to be the cutest kid in the universe...I know I'm his mother and that's what I'm suppose to think. I never imagined 2 years ago that I could love another child (especially a boy...when I really wanted another girl) as much as I do. It is amazing how much your life changes and how wonderful it is. He is a completely different child than Becca ever was...he's all BOY!!
I can't believe my other "baby" will be 6 in 8 days!! Now that is one that is still unbelievable to me everyday!! Kindergarten...that word still makes me cry. She goes to school, goes to afterschool or youth club and comes home at 5:00 when we get home. She is away from me for 8-9 hours a day...isn't she suppose to be my "baby"?? Oh how kindergarten scares me when I think of that word and James...I will be a HUGE basketcase!!

We have 4 parties within a week...OMG...what was I doing, having 2 kids the first week of January!!!! Oh well, once we get these 2 done we are good till August!!!

Not enough!!

2008-12-30T00:41:00.003-06:00

Do you ever feel that no matter what you do...it will never be enough?? Do you ever feel that even when you are trying to be "normal"...it's not enough?? Do you ever feel that you did all you could do and it wasn't enough??

UGH!!!! I am so tired of feeling this way when Jason's family comes. My issues are with Laura (sister in law) and her husband Andy (my cousin)...I know it's totally Jerry Springer like...but anyways...I tried my best to be totally "normal" today, I watched what I say, I thought it was a good day...but I still feel like it wasn't good enough. Maybe for them it won't be until I totally forget what happened with Laura/Andy...but I'm just not ready yet and I'm not sure I ever will be able to forgive and forget. L and A continue to lie about everything, I hear stories all the time about things that they say that I know just aren't true, etc, etc.

We have done nothing wrong to anyone, we just want to distance ourselves from some of the people in the family, and we get put in the dog house...how is that fair??? I love my in-laws...I do...I just wish they would realize that we aren't the "bad" people, we just don't want to be involved with people that are manipulative and lie. I believe that we do more than enough...I just don't thing others think so!! Sorry...just needed to vent!!!

Christmas is done, but the tree is still up

2008-12-29T10:17:00.003-06:00

Bradley getting his DS

Becca and her DS

James and his train table

Well the O'Connors had a GREAT Christmas!! The kids got what they wanted and were very happy Christmas morning. Isn't that what it's all about?? I remember as a kid having that 1 thing in mind and not getting it...it was such a bummer!! I promised myself that I would always try to get my kids the one thing that they really wanted, that 1 thing that they tell Santa they want. So far...we have been able to do it. Bradley and Becca each got a DS and James got a train table. They were very excited. I didn't think I would be able to get James away from the trains long enough to open any more presents. We got up at 7 and open presents here and then went to my Mom's about 9 and opened presents over there. She cooks breakfast, so after presents we all ate together (this is a tradition that my grandma started...waffles, eggs, and sausage...YUMMY). My sister and her husband/step son left then and we hung out at Mom's for the rest of the day, ate dinner, played some card games, and then headed for home.
The next day the kids played with their toys all day. It was so cute...James woke up, got out of bed and ran to the train table saying "Play choo choo trains". We ended up getting out for a bit and ran to Target and got some Christmas decorations- half price and to Toys R Us, the kids had money to spend from Grandma Weber so we let them get a couple of DS games.

Dave and Melissa and Honey came down on Saturday (through the Thunderstorms and Tornadoes) to have Christmas with us. It was so much fun. The kids really enjoyed the visit and they LOVED their presents from them. We hung out, talked, played with the puppy and just had a really good time.
Sunday, Mom and I went shopping...literally ALL Day long. She was on a hunt for winter coats for the kids. She always has bought their coats, and usually buys them the year before when they are 50-60% off. We found 1 for James, and then had trouble finding one for Becca and Bradley. Finally we found them each a coat and headed for home.

The kids have had such a good time this holiday season. We did not travel around Christmas and the kids had a blast staying home and playing with their toys. Christmas night and Friday night Becca made a comment about "we are going to be home to play with our toys tomorrow?"-Yes...I think this will be our new tradition, at least for a few years. It is the best gift...to see your children's eyes light up, the smiles, etc when they get to "just play". Jason did "surprise" me with a necklace...for those of you that don't know...I hate surprises. This is the first time he has "truly" surprised me...in 12 years. My kitchen table that we ordered also came in the day after Christmas!! That was also a great present. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family, my husband is the best, I am so lucky to have met him! My kids, although at times can be very difficult, are truly gifts from God. My mom is also a gift from God, I don't know how I got so lucky to have her as my Mom. My sister, brother in law, and step dad are people that would do anything for you at any time. I appreciate them and love them VERY much!! Sitting there watching the kids and my family open presents, I got tears in my eyes, because... the feeling of overall happiness over took me. I am blessed!!!

So, our tree is still up because Jason's parents are coming this afternoon to bring the kids their presents. Usually we take it down the day after, and sometime we even take it down Christmas night when the kids are in bed. I can't wait to take it down and get our living room back to "normal". We are having dinner tonight with the O'Connors, I know Jason's parents and Mark are coming down, not sure if Sarah is or not. We took all of their presents up there before Christmas because I thought they would just come down for the kids' birthdays and bring their Christmas presents then...I was wrong.

So...1 birthday party on the 3rd (Becca's kid party), James' is the 6th, Becca's is the 7th, and then we are having a family Birthday party on the 10th for both kids. I wanted to do separate birthday parties, but Becca wanted to share...I can't imagine this will happen too often so we are taking her up on it. Many more pictures to come...I'm sure. Have a wonderful week!!!

Merry (almost) Christmas!!

2008-12-24T21:24:00.003-06:00

Well, it's almost here...I can't believe it. It hasn't felt like the holidays, and now in 2 1/2 hours Christmas will be here. WOW!! The kids are in bed...not asleep, but at least they are in there. Becca was ready to go about 6:00 tonight, she thought the sooner she got to bed the sooner Santa would be here. James doesn't really "get" the whole Santa thing, so the big kids are trying to explain it to him...he still doesn't get it. Oh well, next year he will. Bradley still "believes", or at least has Jason and I fooled that he does. When he first came to live with us I told him that once he stops believing Santa doesn't come anymore. Don't know if that has him hooked or what, but he still talks about him coming, the reindeer, what they ate before they started out tonight, etc., etc.

Since my last post, not a whole lot has happened. We took the kids to see Santa last Thursday night at the mall. No one was in line, we were in and out of the mall in about 7 minutes. Unbelievable!! We had Christmas over at my Mom's with the Wilson side of the family on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. It's nice to see all of my cousins/Aunts/Uncles that we don't see much anymore since my Grandma passed away. Guess what...Andy and Laura didn't show, imagine that!! They didn't have Andy's 2 kids, which is usually the reason they don't come around...I guess they think they can hide behind them and no one is going to cause any trouble. Oh well, it was nice and pleasant without them.

Monday night we did Christmas with Belinda and the girls. The kids had fun playing and they all enjoyed what they got from each other. Tuesday we were suppose to go up to Rantoul and have Christmas with my mom's best friend, but the weather put that trip on hold. We didn't do too much today, ran a couple of errands and came home and watched a movie on our new 46" TV...Jason's new toy. A couple of weeks ago, he called me to let me know that the TV wasn't working and he was going up to look for a new one. Of course he found one and purchased it...when we got home I sat down and turned on the old one...yes...turned on the old one. Supposedly it would not turn on, he called 2 repair people (of course the warranty on it expired 6 months ago) and he told them what it was doing and it was a power deflection board that they don't make anymore...OF COURSE!!! Well, we messed around with it all night and it would take numerous times to turn on, but it turned on each time. Something is wrong with it, it will probably go out someday...but now we have a new flat panel 46" TV...what more could you ask for?? I told him to take it back, he persuaded me otherwise..."someday the old one is going to go and I got a really good deal on this one...". So, we have a new TV...Merry Christmas Jason!!! The old one is down in the basement, so at least it is still getting used. On this same note, we bought a new kitchen table. This was suppose to be our Christmas present for each other, of course my first thought when the TV went out was...NO kitchen table. Jason and I had seen it when we went shopping for my mom's table (she didn't get one for christmas), up at Ashley Furniture, it has 4 chairs and a bench, so it can be pushed up against the wall when not in use. James is getting to be almost too big for the high chair we have, so when the table comes in we will move him to a booster at the table. YEAH!!! I can't wait for it to get here. Of course they said it should be here by the end of December...hopefully!!

I put Becca's invitations to her "kid" party in the mail today. We will go straight from Christmas to 2 birthday parties on the 3rd and the 10th. Once that is over...we can breathe again.

Well, I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Christmas!! I am sure I will have plenty of pictures to post later this week!! Merry Christmas

Weekly Update

2008-12-13T00:34:00.003-06:00

So, this week has been pretty exciting at the O'Connor household...or at least it has been for us. :)

Monday, Jason and I went out looking for a kitchen table for my mom/stepdad. We went to most of the furniture stores in town and down to Tuscola to Kelsey's. We struck out for my mom, but found a table for us. Right now we have a small round table with 4 chairs in our kitchen and James is in a high chair. This won't last us for much longer, so we are looking at a table that has 4 chairs and a bench. We found one at Ashley that we really like, it's on sale, and much cheaper than we had thought they would be...who knows maybe Santa will bring it. :)

Tuesday and Wednesday were just normal days.

Thursday we worked and then picked up the kids, dropped James off at my Mom's and then came home and ate some quick pizza before taking the kids over to Ubben to play basketball with the Illini. Becca was really excited about this when I picked her up from afterschool, but by the time we got there her excitement was over taken with nervousness. They took the kids in the gym and the parents got to go upstairs and watch from the railings around the gym. Becca was a bit out of sorts. Bradley jumped right in and grabbed a ball and started shooting. He is not that "into" basketball, not sure he has even seen a game this year, so he just hung out and shot. Becca did enjoy the cheerleaders, and got her face painted and made Christmas cards with them. The "guys" were really good with the kids, especially Trent and Bubba. Mike T. really enjoyed "blocking" all of the kids' shots. After they got done playing they got all of their autographs on posters and a basketball we sent with Becca. I think Jason and I thought it was much cooler than the kids even understand. Maybe someday they will "get it"...or not...who knows.

Becca playin' ball with Rich Semrau

Bradly and Alex Legion

Friday we worked, I went and got my hair cut (a bit shorter than I wanted to, but it'll grow) and then got the kids and came home and went to work in the little kids' room. We took down the crib, took out the changing table and took the bunk beds apart. James is now sleeping in a "big boy" bed. Yeah!!! He really liked it when we took it apart and told him it was his new bed, however when it was time to lay down...he wasn't to sure. He cried for "more milk, door open, mom, etc" for about an hour and then fell asleep. He looks so little in his big boy bed. We thought since Becca is with my mom tonight and heading down to my grandma's tomorrow it would be a good weekend for him to do it and not keep her awake. Hopefully tomorrow night will go even better.

James going to bed

James snoozin' in his big boy bed

Saturday/Sunday- I have to work Saturday and then I am coming home and cleaning some more around the house. I only have 2 loads of laundry to do and then all of that is done...YEAH...but the rest of the house is a mess. Sunday morning we are going to get up and head down to my grandma's for Christmas with her. We are hoping to get out of town around 7:00 so we can get down there around 9:30 or so and we will probably head back around 5:00. It will be a long day in the car, but we will save $50.00 by not boarding the dogs.

So...that is our big, exciting week...told ya...it wasn't that exciting!!

Christmas party and Santa

2008-12-07T22:15:00.003-06:00

So our weekend was pretty uneventful...imagine that...it is OUR life now a days.

Friday night I worked, we had Winter Ball at Lincoln Square for our participants, dancing, DJ, Food, what more could you ask for?? It seemed to go pretty well, with no problems. Saturday morning we took the kids to Lincoln Square so they could shop for Mom and Dad at the Crisis Nursery Holiday Shopping. The seemed to have a good time...I'm anxious to see if Becca can keep it a secret for the next 17 days!! After that we went to the VFW in Urbana for a Christmas Party. My stepdad is a member there and he works there part time, so it is something we have done for the last few years. They had lunch, santa, and presents for the kids, it was really a good time. After that we came home and rested before heading out for the Parade of Lights. I had to work or at least I think it was work...I had to ride on the trolley with some of our participants and Santa. Becca was walking the parade with her Daisy Girl Scout Troop, and she made it the whole way. We tried bundling everyone up so that they were as warm as possible. Becca did OK, Bradley complained that his feet were cold, and POOR James cried for most of the parade, he was miserable. We put snowpants on the 2 little ones, but James only has knit gloves, that aren't all that warm...but that's all we have. His poor fingers were so swollen and red when we got to my Mom's I thought we were going to have to take him to the ER. We played in the sink with some warm water and bubbles, I tried warming them in my hands, finally by the end of the night they were looking more "normal" and by this morning they looked fine.

We had a VERY busy Saturday. Sunday was more of our "normal" day...Church, CCD, lunch, naps, a little bit of shopping, dinner, baths, bed.

James in front of the tree

James and Santa (he's not scared of him...I just think he knows what to think of him)

Becca and Santa

All 3 with Santa...James still isn't too sure of him.

Well, our week looks pretty good. Not a whole lot going on. I have to work everyday and on Saturday, and then next Sunday we are driving down to my Grandma's house in Southern Illinois for a get together with that side of the family. I am so EXCITED about Christmas, I just wish I had all of my presents bought. I am getting closer...I know what I am getting my Great Aunt and my Grandma...I just don't have a clue about what to get my parents. We are running out of time to get a kitchen table...UGH!!!!!

Well, have a great week and stay WARM!!!!

Night at the North Pole

2008-12-04T22:02:00.003-06:00

So, we took the kids tonight to Lincoln Square for "Night at the North Pole", that Carle put on. It was an OK night, the kids seemed to enjoy themselves, which was why we were there!! James did NOT like the "dressed up" people...they had a Gingerbread man and a person dressed up as the Salvation Army man with a really big head...he about jumped out of Jason's arms each time they got close to him. Poor baby!! He was OK with Santa though, which I thought was weird.

Becca having Dr. Tripathy give her doll a "check up"

James having the Dr. check out Mickey Mouse

The kids with Santa and Mrs. Claus

James with his Reindeer Antlers on.

Belinda and Grace met us over there, so we hung out with them till the end of the evening, then came home, put on pj's and put the kids to bed...Yeah!!!

I am still in shock that it is the 4th of December...21 days till Christmas!!! Wow!!! I have all of our shopping done, except for my parents and my grandma. We talked about all going in on a new kitchen table...but like I said we "talked"...nothing has yet to be done about it. My grandma is also a tough one to buy for...I'm still thinking about this, I have 9 days to figure something out, since we are going down to see her on the 14th. Hopefully something inspiring will come to me.

Still trying to figure out what we are going to do for Becca's birthday...she wants to have a kid party and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Since the closest one is in Bloomington...I don't think we will be taking a group of kids there on January 3rd...we have to come up with something BETTER!!! "But that's all I want to do", is her response when I say lets think of something else...we'll see.

Well, hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...I have to work late friday night, we are having our Winter Ball at Lincoln Square, and then I have to work the Parade of Lights on Saturday. If I can get through 2 more weeks I am off for 2 weeks for Christmas...YEAH!!! If you want something to do...come out to downtown Champaign for the Parade, Becca is also walking in it for Daisy Girl Scouts...she is going to be whining the entire way because she is cold, tired, etc. I'm glad I will be riding with Santa in the trolley!!! Good night!!!

Thankmas with the O'Connors

2008-12-01T16:33:00.002-06:00

So...we made it through the weekend...almost uneventful. For those of you reading this that don't know the whole story...I'll give you the short story...here we go:

3 years ago (this new years eve) my 27 year old, recently divorced, with 2 kids, alcoholic cousin "hooked up" with my 18 year old (still in high school) sister in law, in my basement at our new years eve party (Jason and I were NOT OK with any of this, by the way). 3 months later, during her Spring Break they went to the courthouse and got married, and hid it from both families. I had run into his ex-wife and she said "Congrats" to me...I didn't know what she was talking about, but she filled me in and I called Jason and told him, he called his parents...finally the truth (or what Laura wanted to tell) was out. She just had a baby 5 months ago...so now I have a new cousin or niece, or what is she really to me?? Over the last 3 years, it comes to our attention that not a whole lot of "truth" comes out of either of their mouths...they are both VERY manipulative, lie CONSTANTLY and make up stories about things that aren't even worth making up stories about. It has caused a HUGE problem with our relationship with Jason's family. So...much more underneath all of this...but you get the idea...

Well, Laura and I talked on the phone the week before "Thankmas", she had called to say "I'm sorry for hurting you". I said it was a nice gesture, but "I'm sorry" is not going to take away all of the crap that had been said/done for the last 3 years. At the beginning of this whole mess, we did not want our kids involved in this whole screwed up mess and I asked Laura not to say anything to either of our kids, however she totally disrespected me and one time with Bradley (he was 11 at the time), told him everything about them getting married, I about flipped out...I was VERY pissed off. Well, on the phone when she called she said "you were right, I was just telling Bradley because my mom told me I should tell him the truth"....to an 11 year old (that in all actuality has an intellectual understanding of probably an 8 or 9 year old if that)...COME ON...GET REAL. It was about a 45 minute conversation that did not end how she wanted, but at least I got to tell her how I feel (again), and we hung up. All of this "I'm sorry" crap started because we are not going up for Christmas this year. I am working/traveling for 6 weekends in a row and the weekend after Christmas is the only weekend we have NOTHING to do...we are staying home. I know they don't believe me, but I was planning on staying home WAY before they called to say that was the weekend they were doing xmas.

So...Saturday night we were up there and Melissa (sister in law) and I left with the 2 little ones to go back to their house, the kids were tired and I was ready to go, but everything seemed as OK as one could want with our backgrounds. Well, Jason went downstairs to talk to his other brother and Laura plopped her baby on Bradley's lap and said "Smile so Grandma can get a picture". I had already told her that I was not taking any pictures with her baby, but if Jason wanted to that JASON could. Laura and her mom TOTALLY disrespected me AGAIN. They didn't do it when I was there, they didn't ask for all grandkids to get a picture, there was NO need for this picture to be taken. I am SO PISSED off about this, it is so unbelievable. I hope that picture was worth everything to them, because I told Jason (and he agreed) that the bridges have burnt and there is NO rebuilding. They have never asked how we feel, they never ask when it's a good time for us (everything and all dates revolve around when Andy has his other 2 kids), they never ask about when Laura tells them something if it's the truth (Laura tells her mom that the Wilson side of the family is coming to their house...they were not invited to their house...come on...I AM ON THE WILSON SIDE). It always revolves around Laura. Jason is their first born, and he/we have been on the "shit" side for the last 3 years. I can count on my fingers how many times my kids have seen his parents...is it sad?...YES. I feel bad, but until they can respect me, understand my feelings, etc...we will have nothing more to do with them. She wants my kids to call their cousin Andy...Uncle Andy. She wants her "step" kids to call us Aunt and Uncle...we are their cousins...have been for their whole lives. She doesn't get how "Jerry Springer" this whole problem is...come on...doesn't this happen in Kentucky???

There is a lot more to this whole issue, but I don't think my fingers would hold up to type the whole thing. :) Just another bummer weekend that we both thought was actually OK until Bradley said that Aunt Laura made him hold the baby. The O'Connors want things back the way they were...it's not going to happen. Accept what is there and Respect our morals and values and how we want to raise our children and our feelings about the whole thing. It hasn't been done for 3 years...why start now?? It is a SAD situation...who knows how it will turn out...we'll see.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T20:49:00.005-06:00

My sister and my mom

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We went to my sister's house for dinner, which was VERY good. She had a houseful and was quite the hostess...along with my brother-in-law!! We came home from there house and put the tree up and the ornaments on it. The kids really enjoy this and it's one of our family traditions. We did not get the rest of the Christmas decorations out...who knows if we will. We have the tree and the stockings...do we have to put it all out?? It takes so much time to unpack and then pack back up...UGH!!!

Well, we are taking off in the morning to head up to Jason's families for the Weber party. We are going to go up early and drop off all of our stuff at his brother/sister-in-laws and hang out there for a while and then head over to his parents. It will be nice seeing everyone, but there are SO many people...sometimes you don't even get a chance to talk to them all. We have to be home by 5 to pick up the dogs at the boarding facility, so it will be a quick trip up and back.

I have all of my shopping done, except what I want to buy for my parents...they are the HARDEST to buy for...they don't give a whole lot of hints. But everyone else is done. I am going to wrap a bunch tonight to put under the tree for the kids and all of Jason's families are going up with us tomorrow. So...I'm going to go so I can get the kids off to bed (Polar Express is on...and they have enjoyed watching it) and then eat something before I start my wrapping.

OK...I'm a slacker...SORRY!!

2008-11-23T21:33:00.002-06:00

Well, Jason just told me today that I need to update my blog...yes...I know...I just don't have much of anything "new" to say, but we'll try.

We have been running into some issues in the AM with Becca of getting ready for school. She is just like me...hates mornings (unless it's the weekend, and then she's up at the crack of dawn). This past week we made a "chore" chart which lists all of the things she has to do in the morning before walking out the door for school. This past week was pretty good. One day we all slept in and she got up/dressed/Go-gurt for the walk and was out the door in 5 minutes. I hate mornings like that, but she did really well that day. We also started putting Becca and James to bed about 8:15...which helps when they go to sleep, there are nights where the 2 of them are talking till 9:15 or so...defeats the purpose of going to bed earlier. I have a feeling our morning problems will only get worse with the winter and NONE of us (James, Becca and I) wanting to get up in the morning. Oh well...we'll keep on doing what we're doing.

Jason and I are still going and talking with Michael Trout. He's really good and easy to talk to, but it is definitely not one of those things that he can "just fix Bradley". It is going to take a LOT of work and it may not help after all. However, We will do anything for him...we are not going to let him be one of those "lost kids". Michael has been giving us some things to read, listen to, a couple of "tips", etc, so that is pretty helpful.

So...on to me...does anyone else out there have those days/nights/weeks, etc where you just want to be "left alone"?? I love my husband, but I don't "need" him in the same ways that he "needs" me. When I have had a long, stressful day...I just want to go to bed...that's it...NO MORE. I know...too much info...but GEEZ...what does it take to JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! We have definitely not seen eye to eye on this subject for a while...and at times I feel that maybe I'm the only one in the WHOLE wide world that has this problem...PLEASE tell me I'm not!!! It has definitely been the cause for some disagreements in the last few weeks, and I am tired of that also!! UGH!!! OK...enough!!!

Well, we are slowly getting ready for Christmas around the house. I have all of my shopping done, except for my parents!! They are the hardest to buy for. I tried getting them to go out and shop for a new kitchen table (my mom has wanted one for a REALLY long time) and then my sister and us and them could go in on it together and it would be something that they needed/wanted, not just the stuff we try to get that they don't really need/want. So...I'll keep you posted, but I bet anything that we won't be going in together on a kitchen table. We are putting up our tree this coming Friday and then we are leaving Saturday morning to head up to Jason's parents/brothers' house. I am looking forward to the LONG weekend, but it will go by so FAST...I hate that.

Well...I'm going to end here...I'll keep you update (a bit better)!! Have a good (short) week!!! :)

Past couple of weeks in review

2008-11-11T09:59:00.002-06:00

Well...I must say...my life is pretty boring. Not a whole lot has been going on. Kids are good. Dogs are good. Jason and I are good. What more can I ask for?? Well...here's what's up with the family...

Jason- work, work, and more work. He is trying to get another paper in for some grant money...hopefully he will get it in and it will be accepted. Our goal is for him to get some money so we can stay here in Champaign and he can get a tenure track position at the U of I. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Bradley- still dealing with the same issues. Lying, Sneaking, and Stealing (from friends of ours and family). This is part of his RAD, and he's been doing it for SOOOO long...hopefully things will start to get better. Jason and I have been seeing Michael Trout and he has been pretty helpful to us. A lot of it is just how we handle Bradley and the things he does. Yelling, spanking, timeouts, taking things away, etc. , "Normal" things you would do with a "normal" child...don't work. It's a lot about being calm, talking to him about how we wish he would make different choices, hopefully he will decide to return whatever it is that he took, while the whole time not yelling, and not letting him "get" to us. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done...and I'm not very good at it. Jason is much better. I am also reading a wonderful book by Daniel Hughes "Building the bonds of attachment". We are going to try to do some of the techniques that they are doing in the book, we'll see how they work.

Becca- Perfect attendance in school!!! She is so excited about this. She LOVES kindergarten and every morning can't wait to get to school. Gymnastics is going good, we are going to sign her up for another semester. Daisy Girl Scouts start this Thursday...she is very excited about this also. She is a very busy girl.

James- Talking more and more everyday. This child amazes me and I love listening to him and watching him do new things everyday. He is starting to put more and more words together and doing all kinds of different things. I love this age!!! He also is saying "President Obama"...which is so cute and "irritated" Jason just a bit.

Me- I am feeling pretty good. Stopped taking my Wellbutrin and Glucophage. I think I am doing pretty good off of it...we'll see...it's been a month. Work is OK. Family life is Wonderful!!! I can't wait till Christmas break so I'll be home with them for a week and a half.

Well, my new goals are to keep the house clean and go through the kids' toys...to make room for some new ones. Christmas and then 2 birthdays the first week of January...didn't plan that very well did I?? The kids are definitely not getting the same amount of presents that they have in the past. We are trying to cut down and teach them a bit more about what Christmas is and why we celebrate it. I'm starting to realize that they don't know much about it and I do not want them to think Christmas is all about them...it's so much more. I have tried talking with our families about this and to not give them TOO much...I'm sure it won't help...but I will continue to try.

Well...I think that's about it for now...hope everyone has a GREAT week!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

2008-11-01T00:25:00.003-05:00

So, James woke up today with a terrible cough and just looking like he didn't feel very good...not a great start to the day, but he got a couple of naps in and was feeling better before we went trick or treating!! YEAH!! I stayed home from work today to tend to James and to go to Becca's parent teacher conference. Bradley decided at the last minute that he wanted to trick or treat, so we put together a referee costume for him, so he would have something to wear. I think he would have liked to have been something scary, but he didn't want to scare his little brother. Between Becca's hair and hat...it was a long trip trick or treating. I tried getting her to just take it off...but she was having nothing of that. They made out pretty good, and it was such a nice night out!!

He really wanted to wear that BIG nose!!

Carvin' pumpkins

2008-10-30T10:51:00.001-05:00

And the diagnosis is...

2008-10-22T21:26:00.004-05:00

Severe hip dysplasia in left hip, and moderate in the right. She also has curves in her tibia (opposite of bowlegged), which the doctor said may cause some concern down the road some time. This was one of the biggest decisions we have made lately...don't know if we made the right one or not, only time will tell.

The Dr. said the best thing would be surgery that would cost $2000-$3000, however we can't afford that, so we are going to do the medication route, which is glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM for now, which should get her a "healthy" (for her) 4-5 years. At which time arthritis will probably start setting in, which then we will add a pain medication along with the other meds to help with that, which could get her another 3-4 years. I have read a lot on-line about dogs with severe hip dysplasia and they do the medicine route and they live a healthy 12-13 years on the medicine. We really want to give her a good 10 year life, and we think we will be able to do that. Who knows...maybe some day we will come into money and can pay for her to have surgery...one never knows. The Dr. said she could play, go for walks, up and down steps, etc. We figured if she went back to the shelter, they would probably label her "unadoptable" once they called our Dr. and got the medical diagnosis, and they would put her down. I just had a really hard time with that, I guess I just have a soft heart, and she is/acts so "normal" you would never know about all of her problems. The kids love her, we did talk to them about if it was so bad that we couldn't give her a good life, we would have to take her back...just telling Becca that made her cry, I couldn't imagine telling her we took her back. So...her treatment will cost about $18.00 a month (pretty cheap compared to the surgery...at least right now, depending on how long she lives...it could be more than the surgery...I'll take those odds though...I want to be that family that writes that we did the medication route and our dog lived another 12-13 years).

Ok...enough with that...

Nothing much is new. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, so we celebrated with her and my sister/brother in law tonight. Kids are good. Jason and I are good. Mollie has taken all of my emotional energy lately...I feel so tired...I'm ready for bed. Just glad that she is here, we know what to expect in the future, and we have a dog (that has some birth defects), but that we love anyways!!!
I don't like looking at the camera...but aren't I pretty???

Who me??

Mollie...

2008-10-20T16:08:00.002-05:00

OK well we went to the Vet today. Not the best visit for us. Mollie is showing signs of hip dysplasia and cried when the vet manipulated her hip joint. This could mean dysplasia, it could be a mild case which will be treated with glucosamine, or it will be serious and will need surgery ($1000's it will cost). She also does have an irregular heartbeat, which could possibly be normal, but they won't know till they do an EKG. So...we are taking her back to the vet on Wed. to have x-rays of her hips done and an EKG done. Knowing our luck...both will be bad and we will have to make a VERY difficult decision. The kids are already attached, and I am even more than the kids. OMG can't anything be easy!!!

We are going to call the Humane Society today and let them know what our vet found and at least let them know that they may be getting her back, or if she would need surgery see if there is any way they might be able to get the surgery at cost, etc for us at a vet that they work with. If she was our only dog, the decision might be easier, but we got her for a playmate for Quincy. It's not fair to either of them if we force them to not play together. I think the "roughhousing" they do is making her more stiff and hurting more than at the beginning. She got pretty mad at him this afternoon and growled a really "mean" growl at him. I don't know...part of me is really mad at the humane society. I know they don't do any of the more expensive diagnostic things such as xrays, ekg, etc. But at the same time it would have been nice if when we were in there (just Jason and I) they would have said "we notice she has a funny gait which could be hip dysplasia and she has an irregular heartbeat). We might not have even pursued her because of this. But no, they don't tell us anything until the kids go in with us and meet her and we have already paid the $85.00 fee. That doesn't seem right, does it??

Keep your fingers crossed, and hope for the best for us. We can deal with a mild dysplasia and a "normal" irregular heartbeat. We can give pills, etc. We just want to give her a "good" 10 years or so as our pet...we just don't want to be burdened with a dog that will cost thousands of dollars to give a "normal" life to. That may sound really bad to all those dog lovers out there, but we have to be realistic to our family and we can't afford thousands of dollars for a dog that may not even be able to function as part of our family. We'll see....

Meet Mollie!!!

2008-10-19T19:13:00.004-05:00

Mollie, so far, has been a good addition. She is very gentle with the kids, and she runs and plays just as hard as Quincy. Our only concern is she has a funny gait when she walks. Looking at her past records, it looked like it is something that has been a concern for a while. Of course, the Humane Society didn't say anything about it "before" we said we would take her. Hip dysplasia is the concern, so when we take her to the vet tomorrow we will have to find out if they think we need to x-ray her to determine if it is is actually hip dysplasia....we'll see.

Here's some pics from today!!!

New Dogs and such

2008-10-18T22:13:00.002-05:00

OK...well we are going tomorrow to pick up a new dog from the humane society. I am SO excited. She is an Australian Shephard mix and absolutely cute!!! Quincy and her got along great...granted it was WWF in the run at the Humane Society...but they did get along. The kids don't know, it is going to be quite the surprise.

I went to Hardy's Reindeer Ranch today with work...it is such a neat place. I really want to take the kids up to see the reindeer. They are so cool and very gentle. If you do go, pay for the "reindeer tour". The owner lets you go in this little area where all of the reindeer come up because they know you are going to give them a treat. You can pet them, touch their antlers, feed them, etc. It was really cool and my participants really enjoyed this part of our day.

Jason's brother and his wife (Dave and Melissa), Sarah (sister) and parents came over today for dinner and to hang out for a little while. It was nice. We don't see them very often, so it was nice for the kids to spend some time talking with them and just seeing them. My ENTIRE family lived in Champaign when I was growing up, and we got together with all of my aunts/uncles/cousins every Sunday at my grandma's house (our house now) and had dinner together. We are/were a close family (not so much now that grandma is gone), it is just so weird/bothersome for me that my kids don't see the O'Connor side of the family more often. We pretty much see Jason's parents 6 or so times a year, for maybe 3-6 hours at a time. His brothers/sisters less often. I know everyone has a life and works, etc., but it is just really sad to me that my kids don't have more of a relationship with them. I'm very glad that my mom is here in town and she "spoils" my kids. She gets upset/sad when she doesn't see them every couple days or so. I always swore that I would do whatever I could so my kids would have a relationship with Jason's family, but it is harder and harder with kids to pack them up, put them in the car for 1 1/2 hours, unpack, etc, etc. And other things have happened in our families that have definitely put a strain on our relationships with everyone...I guess I just need to be happy about the relationships that we do have and cherish those.

OK...well I'll post pics of Molly as soon as I take some tomorrow...hopefully!! :)

Bradley update and Backyardigans

2008-10-09T15:29:00.004-05:00

Well, I heard back from Mr. Trout and we (Jason and I) go on October 21st to meet with him. It will be a 75 minute consultation where he will get to know us, Bradley (from our side and the report from the CDC), and he will talk to us about how Bradley's brain works the way it does. We are VERY excited to go and talk to him. He doesn't think Bradley would benefit from talking with him, so we may have to get him into therapy through Carle to work on some of the issues...I guess we will wait and see what Mr. Trout suggests and go from there.

Carle also sent out the report, so I can get the names/numbers of the social worker/OT/etc. to get Bradley some evals from each of them so we can get him into therapy with each of them. It totally sounds like so much, but we are ready and willing and want to get Bradley the help he needs. Yeah!!

I took Becca and James to the Backyardigans on Tuesday...if any of you remember our horror story from the show in Bloomington...this was A LOT better. Both of them did really well and enjoyed it immensely. James was SO much better than I thought he would be. He sat in his seat the ENTIRE first half, and then pretty much most of the second, however fell off and hit his mouth on the seat in front of us, cut his tongue and bleed profusely. Never fails. Good thing this was at the very end of the performance and we left pretty much after that.

Well, that is the exciting news of the week. I do have pictures of the kids at the Backyardigans...hopefully I will get them on soon. I'll keep you updated about Bradley and our therapy.

weekend update

2008-10-05T15:51:00.007-05:00

Well, it has been a beautiful weekend, and the kids have enjoyed playing outside. Saturday I had to work over at the Youth Literature Fest on the South Quad, so Jason and the kids came and hung out with me all day. They had activities for the kids, puppets, bands, storytellers and such. We had a good time.

James and Becca at the Youth Literature Fest

After that we came home for naps and the Illini game...GO ILLINI!!! When everyone got up/game ended we headed out to the mall. Jason, Bradley, Becca and James all got their hair cut, then we ate at the food court, and then left to go visit with my mom/stepdad for a little bit. She was home with bronchitis...again.

If you look in the background, you will see all 3 kids were getting their hair cut at the same time.

Sunday we woke up late, the kids and Jason left for CCD class and James and I stayed home and hid clues for a scavenger hunt. We are trying to figure things out that Bradley and Becca can do together to help "build" that relationship. They thought it was pretty cool, but the clues were too easy, and they want to do it EVERY weekend. The last clue said something like "We're so glad you worked as a team, you have earned a trip to go out for ice cream". So, we went to the Illini Soccerfest and had lunch, played on the inflatables, watched some of the game (we aren't big soccer fans, so this was something new for us), and then went to DQ for some ice cream.

When we got home James laid down for a nap, the older 2 took Quincy on a walk, I continued to do some laundry (it never ends, does it?), Jason mowed, and then we just hung out. It has been a nice relaxing weekend.

I have enjoyed this weekend with the kids, even Bradley. There have been some times when I have had to bite my tongue so I don't yell at him, but overall he has been really good and it feels good to do things as a family and see all 3 kids have a good time. Bradley has been very talkative and wants to be out of his room and hanging out with us (which is a new one for us). We didn't tell him what the doctors told us, but it seems that since WE found out, he has been a different kid and it has been OK hanging out with him. We are doing our best to tell him when he is making good choices and when we are proud of him for making those choices and that we trust that he will continue. A lot of the treatment is going to be our conversations with him and not yelling/screaming at him when he really screws up. I feel that we are off to a good start, my only fear is that when we finally get to go in and see this new therapist he will say we are doing everything wrong. We are doing the "nurtured heart approach", so I don't think we are wrong and actually a lot of the stuff we have been doing are things that they recommend, so we are learning about ourselves the same times we are learning about Bradley.

James has been curling his tongue ALL the time, and I finally got some pictures taken...here they are.

Well, another weekend is almost over...it doesn't seem fair that we have to work for 5 days, and only get 2 to relax. OH WELL!!!

Diagnoses and such...

2008-10-03T23:20:00.003-05:00

So, we went on Thursday to find out the results from the Child Diagnostic clinic. They diagnosed him with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ADHD, ODD, a sensory disorder, visual processing problems, etc., etc., etc. A few years back we thought he had some attachment disorders because Bradley and I have a much more "distant" relationship, which is a symptom of RAD. It felt good to know that it was one of those diagnoses that Jason and I thought of a while back...too bad we didn't push any more on it. We feel that we lost 6 years of trying to help Bradley. The Dr. did say that he was on the mild side of it, but it is still there. Bradley has some symptoms of a whole bunch of different problems...Autism, FAS, etc., or at least we thought. The Dr. wants us to see Michael Trout here in town, he is the expert on RAD and she really thinks that he can help Bradley a lot. I called his office today, however he is in Canada at a speaking event...figures...doesn't he realize WE need him. We also have to get him into some social skills groups, there is a therapist here in town that works with children with Autism. Bradley and children with Autism have a lot of social skills deficits that are VERY similar and the Dr. thought that Bradley could benefit with those social skills groups with those children. We got a lot of info from the Dr., we went and bought "Transforming the difficult child: The nurtured heart approach", I checked out a book from the library by Daniel Hughes (who is another expert on the disorder), we are READY. A lot of the actual treatment will be Jason and I's approach on everything, how we talk to him, how we discipline him, behavior plans for school and home, making sure our families know how to treat him, what to do for him when his anxiety starts and how to handle that, etc. I know I have put a lot of etc. in this post...it is because there is so much and it will be hard. He won't be "healthy" tomorrow, next week, next month...it may take years, and it will probably be something he/we work on for his entire life. Jason and I just want Bradley to succeed in any way he wants and be a successful part of the community. If anyone has any info or ANYTHING about RAD, our ears are open...we are ready to change.

So, everything else in our life is good. Went down to Tuscola to shop, Becca got sick all over Old Navy's floor, and we came home and had to take Grace home (she was suppose to spend the night). Bradley went to the U of I volleyball game with Belinda and had a really good time.
James has cute all 4 two year molars...no wonder he has been fussy, not wanting to eat, etc.

Jason and I are emotionally drained. I know we wanted to know what was wrong with Bradley, but now knowing it infuriates me. I cried most of Thursday on and off between grief and just being pissed off at his parents...I HATE them!!! I know hate is a terrible word and I would never want my kids to use it or whatever, but his parents did this to him. They abused, neglected their own child, how do people do that to their own flesh and blood?? I know "grief" sounds weird, but a part of Bradley is missing, possibly forever...will he ever be able to look at me, hug me, kiss me, love me on his own?? He has never once came up to me and hugged me, kissed me, etc. He is my son, I love him (sometimes "conditionally" and I am working on that), but I do love him...

OK...enough...like I said if anyone knows anything...PLEASE let me know. Gotta get some sleep, unfortunately I have to work AGAIN tomorrow.

The last week or so...

2008-09-29T22:16:00.003-05:00

OK...I realized today (once Carla reminded me) that I have not posted in a while. Not a whole lot of new things have happened in our lives, but I guess I can tell you as much as I think you will be interested in.
Since my last post we have had 2 garage sales and got rid of A LOT of junk. I don't think I have any clothes left of Becca's under size 5 (and boy did she have a lot of clothes). James' clothes that we have are summer things that we just got back from Mike and Jen, so we will try to sell those next spring/summer. It is nice to let others borrow clothes, then you don't feel so guilty buying that much (at least that's what I keep telling myself). Bradley is growing so much that we are having to buy bigger things (because he is getting tall, not weight wise), but the clothes that he is outgrowing we are mostly just giving to Goodwill or to anyone we can think of that may be able to use them. Garage sales are A LOT of work, but I love doing them and the extra money in our pockets is nice also. And...I finally can park our van in the garage again...YEAH!!!

Becca had her open house last week. She was VERY excited to show us her classroom, art room, lunch room, etc. We saw it all and she had the biggest smile on her face the entire night. I love seeing her so happy, it really makes me feel good that she is enjoying school so much. However, I did find myself holding back some tears watching her show us everything and talk about her day at school. She leaves home at 8:30 and is at school/afterschool till 5:00 or so, everyday. It does make me sad that I am unable to stay home and be here when she gets out of school, however I look forward to Mondays and walking down to the corner to wait for her to get out. Her "Big" tooth is coming in and her front two upper teeth are loose...she is growing up WAY too fast.

Bradley...what can I say...he's Bradley. His grades are good right now at midterm (5A's and 3B's), however the behaviors that we have seen from 1st grade on, are starting again...I guess the "honeymoon" is over. That poor kid is in trouble all the time either because of school, sneaking, or the way he talks to us. I know being a teenager sucked, but being the parent of a teenager sucks even more. We go on Thursday to see what the Child Diagnostic Clinic results are. I'm anxious and nervous about going and hearing what they have to say. Hopefully it will be good news...we'll see.

James is definately a toddler. He is running, jumping, talking more, and rolling his tongue. I keep meaning to take a picture of this...it is so cute and he does it all the time. He is very independent, and still a Mama's boy. I love this kid so much!!! I don't know if him being the baby of the family makes it feel like more, but man he has me wrapped around his little finger, his big toe, everything.

I have been working a lot. Pretty much every Saturday for the last month or so. Hopefully it will slow down some...I doubt it, but I can hope, can't I? Well, the next pictures I put on here are going to be some slide shows of the kids from babies till now and from when Bradley came to live with us till now. Becca and James look so much a like...I can't wait to put all of their pictures on here to see how similar they look. Well, I had better go, James and I are driving up to Chicago with Mom tomorrow to go to her Dr. appt. It will be a LONG day of driving in the car for both James and I. I am going to put 5 goals on here to have done or at least started, before I post next...maybe it will help me with getting some of my goals done. I know they are pretty silly goals, but with 3 kids, school, activities, work, etc., we don't have a whole lot of time to get "things" done.

1. Change the kids' clothes out (summer for winter)
2. Change the curtains in the dining room
3. Winterize the outside (put toys away, mulch on plants, etc) before we blink and have snow on the ground.
4. Clean ENTIRE bathroom...ugh...I hate this one.
5. Clean basement floor, including back room.

Be waiting...hopefully later this week I can get some slideshows on here...we'll see!!!

OK...I will play the 'tag' game

2008-09-14T20:37:00.002-05:00

OK...I didn't think I would get around to actually doing this...but I did...sorry it took so long!!

1. Post the rules of the game at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read the player's blog
.4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

What were you doing five years ago?
Working at DSC as the Rec. Therapist, enjoying Becca's first year and Bradley's 2nd year with us, living in Mahomet, had 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 lizard (now down to 1 dog, 1 cat, and 2 lizards), I know I was doing more, but I can't think of anything else.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?
1. Clean the house or at least as much as I can while waiting on the garage sale next weekend
2. Get the kids in bed
3. laundry
4. give Quincy a bath
5. clean bathroom

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. Popcorn
2. chocolate chip cookies
3. salt and vinegar chips
4. crackers and cheese
5. whatever I can find...usually I'm not that picky, but when I am and we had it in the house, it's probably gone already...all the good stuff gets eaten by everyone else before me.

What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Take care of my family/extended family
2. College tuition for all 3 of our kids and any nieces/nephews that may need money for school
3. Travel
4. Not work and be a stay at home mom (don't really need to be a billionaire for this...but we would have to make more than we make right now)
5. Adopt more kids

What are five of your bad habits?
1. Eating (even when I'm not really hungry, but it looks/smells good)
2. not exercising
3. making a mess in the house and not picking up after myself
4. cleaning out the van one day and the next it looking like I never cleaned it
5. giving in to the kids...one day I will learn

What are five places where you have lived?
Champaign, IL-born and raised
Charleston, IL-college
Urbana, IL
Mahomet, IL
Champaign, IL-swore I would never move back!! :)

What are five jobs you've had?
1. Diana Foods-cashier/customer service desk
2. Animal Medical Center-office manager
3. Caring for kids preschool-teacher
4. DT and Rec. Therapist at DSC
5. CUSR-Adult Program Coordinator

Five people I tag:
Everyone with a blog that I know has already done it!!

Updates

2008-09-14T19:37:00.005-05:00

Well, my trip to Eugene Oregon was really nice. I dreaded going..."who would want to go to Oregon??"...I kept asking myself. We had 2 nice, long traveling days (Indy to Dallas/Fort Worth to Portland to Eugene there, and Eugene to Seattle to Chicago to Indy) with 2 beautiful days in Eugene. The weather was beautiful, the town itself was different than Champaign/Urbana, the University of Oregon is in Eugene, however the campus is on the outskirts of the town, unlike the U of I . We saw things that I guess I just haven't seen in Champaign...lizards and rabbits and ferrets walking down the street with their owners, a HUGE market that makes the one in Urbana look teeny tiny, their downtown looked like a residential area-offices were in old houses, etc...that was pretty cool. Anyways, I had a good time and the conference was pretty good also. It definitely was the best conference in the way of food, they fed us so well. They had a lot of salmon, which I love and huge buffets with REALLY good food. I did miss the family, but having a king size bed to myself with "quiet" in my room...was nice!! It was also nice getting home and getting my birthday present from the kids. They made me a stepping stone with their hand prints in it with mosaic tiles around it and their names and the date...very cute!! I guess Jason does listen when I "hint" what I want. :)

I think this is Mt. St. Helen's from the plane (that's what someone else said on the plane and we saw it right after we left Seattle)...through the clouds...whatever mountain it is...it's cool.

Out the hotel window...seeing mountains isn't something we see everyday.

I was so excited about shopping at the Duck Store..."Go Ducks"

We had a garage sale this past week...we got rained on, on Friday, so I think we are going to do it again next weekend...getting rid of all of our junk is our main goal...but the extra money is nice also. It will be nice after next weekend, we can put our house back together since we have totes/boxes, etc all over waiting for what we are going to end up keeping or what we are going to take to goodwill.

Becca is LOVING school, and looking forward to Youth Club starting at the church next to Bottenfield. Gymnastics is also going pretty well, she gets discouraged that she can't do a cartwheel, but she is practicing a lot, so I'm hoping she gets it soon. She did lose another tooth, and her top 2 front teeth are loose, so she may be asking Santa for 2 new teeth for Christmas. She already knows she wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas...that's it...nothing else. At least that is what she is saying. I keep telling her that if she gets that...she's not getting much more since they cost so much. She says that's fine, however I already know on Christmas morning it would not be "fine".

Bradley is doing OK in school so far. He goes this coming Friday to the Child diagnostic clinic at Carle. His doctor thinks he may have Aspergers, so they are going to have him do this clinic to see what they find. We go at 7:45 in the morning and we get done at noon...long day...hopefully we will have some answers when this is over. We/he meets with an OT, Speech Therapist, Psychologist, and Doctor...he will meet separately with them and then we will meet with them (or at least that's what I think is going to happen).

James is James. Not a whole lot different. He is definitely trying to talk more and is putting multiple words together. He "sings" twinkle twinkle and knows the ABC's or at least he knows the rhythm of those songs. He is so cute...it's unbelievable (I guess I'm suppose to say that aren't I...I am his mother)

Well, thanks to all the rain today we have water in our basement, our backyard is flooded, and Quincy hates to go out in the rain...YUCK!!! Well, I'd better help get the kids in bed...another weekend over and I didn't do much more than the garage sale...our house is a mess and I don't feel like picking anything up or doing a whole lot...I hate that feeling. I am home tomorrow, maybe I will feel more ambitious...we'll see. :)

Labor Day weekend

2008-09-01T22:58:00.001-05:00

Labor Day weekend...part 2

2008-09-01T22:36:00.005-05:00

So, we had a pretty good weekend. We didn't do a whole lot, hung out around the house, took the boys to Prairie Farms, had family over, went to a Labor Day parade, and celebrated my birthday. Becca was not in most of the pictures because she was at my moms all weekend. Bradley is not in a whole lot because he's a "teen", and when he is home with us he is usually in his room.

Friday night, had my mom and uncle over for a fire in the firepit. Becca ended up going to my mom's to spend the night (just like most other weekends). Saturday we hung out in the house and then took the boys to McDonald's and Prairie Farms. James had a good time seeing the animals. After that we went home and I had to go to work. I had an End of Summer Dance at Hessel Park. It went really well...and I'm glad it's over. After the dance we went over to my moms and watched the end of the Illini game. Becca stayed the night, again. Sunday, we went to Sam's, Jason grilled out, and my mom, aunt and uncle, and stepdad came over for another fire. We have been having a lot of fires because we had a tree in the back cut down and it was full of termites, so Jason is trying to get all of the wood burned so we will be rid of the termites.
Becca had Grace over for a sleepover Sunday night and we went to the Labor Day parade over in Urbana. We had lunch over at the park, the kids played on the inflatables, and then we came home. We then head over to my moms for dinner to celebrate my birthday (since I will be in Oregon next week during my birthday). We had a really good dinner, and the kids helped (A LOT) blowing out the candles. James did not understand that he could not touch the candles and everytime my mom lit the candles he blew them out. The one picture you see of him crying is because I was holding him back from blowing out the candles while everyone sung "Happy Birthday".

On another note: We got a new air conditioner and furnace. YEAH!!! The AC and furnace we had was about 35 years old (we crossed our fingers everytime we turned it on). So, we are really excited about this...the things you get excited about when you get OLD...it's scary.

Well, I leave for a conference on Thursday morning and won't return till late Sunday night...and I probably won't get another post done before then...so...will post next week!! :)

3rd day of school...

2008-08-27T11:49:00.003-05:00

I didn't even get to leave the house...the neighbor that is in 5th grade came over and walked with her to school. Is she suppose to be this independent at 5???